Evening Soultide ~

WEARY BONES

2011-04-20T22:15:00.001-04:00

It has been a long season of Lent.

There have been moments where my weary bones felt like they might simply fall to pieces.

Each of those times words of life have come to the rescue.

They have come in the form of unexpected emails, tears among new friends, words from a stranger, thoughts from a class preceptor, and in soulful musical lyrics.

Each of them breathing spirit back into my limp and lifeless form.

Reminding me that God is here.

And that I am alive.

O dry bones,
hear the word of the LORD.
Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones:
I will cause breath to enter you,
and you shall live.
I will lay sinews on you,
and will cause flesh to come upon you,
and cover you with skin,
and put breath in you,
and you shall live;
and you shall know that I am the LORD.
~Ezekiel 37:4b-6

BE MY GUEST

2011-04-01T07:01:00.004-04:00

You are invited to head on over to Quixotic RIE to check out my guest blog as part of their Artist Life series. They asked me questions about my life as an artist - and I answered!

Courageous owners of Quixotic RIE, Claire and Ranne, have started a blog and opened up and ETSY shop with the hopes of sharing their inspirations and creations with the world. With vintage-charmed items, enchanting words of wonder, and an infectious zest for life Quixotic RIE offers a fresh encounter with everyday life and objects.

Check out one of my favorite original Quixotic designs - the Gaia Upcycled Necklace. I love it!

So, faithful Soultiders, go ahead and check out Quixotic RIE. Be your generous selves - leave a comment and let them know you stopped by. You might just make their day...

DOING TIME (more on creativity)

2011-03-30T22:34:00.012-04:00

After Michelangelo died, someone found in his studio a piece of paper on which he had written a note to his apprentice, in the handwriting of his old age:

"Draw, Antonio, draw, Antonio, draw and do not waste time."

~From The Writing Life by Annie Dillard

I’m a thinker. I spend a lot of time thinking and a lot less time doing.

I think I feel like I have to know exactly what I’m doing or have the end result completely figured out in my mind before I start on a creative project. Instead of doing, I keep thinking. And when the actual process is messy and unknown, it’s easier to keep delaying the starting until I come up with that magical end result. Sometimes I think I’m waiting for that elusive Creativity Fairy to swing by, sprinkle some of that delightful, ingenious, creative dust on me and then -poof- I'll have really great ideas (genius ones, in fact) and I'll sit down and write out a brilliant paper in one sitting, or an amazing painting the first go around. But when the Creativity Fairy doesn't show up (maybe she got confused because I’ve moved around quite a bit in the last 2 years…), and when that dazzling end result is still a bit fuzzy, well, I just don’t start.

Makes sense, right? Who really needs to go through the actual process of creating something before it’s done? Doesn’t it just happen? Creativity. Boom. Done.

I had the amazing privilege of having coffee with writer Robert Benson when we lived in Nashville. He was gracious and kind enough to make time for a complete stranger. We talked baseball and cheeseburgers and, of course, writing. He revealed that his process of writing involves – doing some writing and then editing, editing, editing. He remarked that he sits there with the thesaurus and pours over every word. I was speechless. You mean, he doesn’t just write that way the first time around? He doesn’t come up with those amazingly poetic, wonderfully descriptive sentences that jump off the page at me - out of the blue?

I hadn’t realized that I thought that was how it happened – that people who are good at what they do, just do something once and it comes out in its extraordinary and finished form. It sounds crazy, but that’s so often what I believe.

But the truth is - it takes work, a lot of work. It takes revisions, and re-dos, and do-overs, and edits, and thesauruses, and practice. It takes energy, and maybe even some tears. It takes time. And, it takes doing.

If I am to live the life I seek, a life lived at attention,
the life to which I believe I am being called,
then I am going to have to do it on purpose.
~Robert Benson

*the drawing: Sitting Around by Juli Kalbaugh, 2008

ON BEING BAD - FAST

2011-03-28T22:04:00.007-04:00

I'm a procrastinator. I don't mean to be. In fact, I don't actually want to be one. But, grad school has made it abundantly obvious that I am, in fact, a dreaded put-er off-er.

The thing is, a lot of times it's not that I don't want to do the thing I need to do. I mean, sometimes it is, but a lot of times it's not. My problem is simply starting. I'm a terrible starter. Probably the worst. It takes almost everything in my being to conquer that empty page, or that blank canvas, or break the empty silence. The vast chasm of barrenness staring me in the face completely overwhelms me. The void sucks me into itself and, in fact, it attacks my brain and sucks the very soul right out from me. Yes, that's exactly what it does - leaving behind only my zombie-self. And, well, my zombie-self can't really be blamed for much of anything, can it?

So, I've devised a little 3-step process to combat the zombie-attack.

1) Say to myself - The blank page is not attacking you! Whew. Ok, good thing to know.

2) Be Bad as Fast as I Can.

I'm borrowing this little concept from John Lassester, Chief Creative Officer at Pixar. The idea is to hurry up and get something down on the paper - anything, just write something down. Hurry up and do something crappy so I can get on with it. It gives me something to work with, to edit and adjust. Instead of nothing, now there is something to mold and shape. It helps me get past being completely frozen and unlocks me from the staring contest with the blank page. It gets some movement going and some life back into that zombied brain. Instead of feeling like I have to start with a piece of perfection I am free to be messy, make mistakes, and write something bad. Suddenly, the pressure is lifted ever so slightly. So, I'm going to give myself the freedom fail quickly. That way, instead of fearing the failure I can just go ahead and fail, get it out of the way, and can move along.

3) Repeat.

So, how do you overcome your procrastination? What stops you from starting? How do you get over that hump and into the creative process?

CONFESSIONS...

2011-03-26T20:56:00.012-04:00

..OF AN OFTEN TIRED, SKEPTICAL, DISCONNECTED, FRUSTRATED SOUL

So, here I am. A grad student - pursuing a Master of Divinity degree. Really? Master of Divinity? Could the degree name be any more arrogant? A lot of days I wonder what the heck I am doing back in school in my 30s, trying to master the divine in short span of 3 years. Most of the time I wonder what someone like me, with so many questions and doubts, is doing in a place where many people are quite confident that they know exactly who God is and what they (or God) want(s) to do with their life.

And then I run into someone who dares to admit that they, too, might have a question (or maybe even two) about what this is all about. They whisper that they, too, don't quite have it all together. Like me, they are sometimes skeptical about certain theological claims. Like me, they sometimes feel disconnected from God and alone in the darkness. And like me, they are often tired of doing the I've-got-all-the-answers dance in church. When I meet these people it's like a breath of fresh air. There is room to breathe.

I am reminded of what I wrote on my grad school application - It is because of my experiences with the darkness and my own questions of faith that I desire to create a space for people to question, wrestle, learn, and become as we encounter God - together.

As part of my degree program we are assigned an internship with a church for the summer. I gotta be honest - for the past few months my anxiety level has been maxed out. What sort of place will it be? Will they expect me to have it all together? Will they want me to have all sorts of amazing theological answers? If so, they are going to be sorely disappointed with their assigned intern.

When the notice finally arrived with my summer placement info I read their vision statement:

Creating a safe space where everyone -- those who are tired, skeptical, unchurched, disconnected, and frustrated -- would love to attend and grow together in their understanding of God.

I exhaled. And I had some tears. It is a place that has room - even for someone like me...

UP AND OUT

2011-03-22T23:40:00.004-04:00

Practice random acts of kindness
and senseless acts of beauty.
~Bumper Sticker

Sometimes I can feel it coming on and other times it just hits me like a freight train. The downward spiral into the bastard self. Sometimes it happens when I am overwhelmed - the defenses go up and the shut down process begins. Sometimes it happens when I am ashamed or embarrassed - like an armadillo I curl up into a ball, desperate to take cover. Other times I can't quite pin-point the reason or explain it fully. There are also the times when I don't realize it until the darkness has already caved-in and all I can see is me.

When I find myself stuck in this inward position I need something or someone to disrupt this posture. Sometimes it is only on behalf of another that I am able to move.

The thing that struck me about the bumper sticker that was so divinely placed on the car in front of me is that both kindness and beauty require engagement with something or someone outside the self. Kindness requires me to acknowledge the presence of another and to say, "I see you." It means putting myself aside or maybe even giving it away. I cannot be kind without offering something of myself to someone else. Beauty, too, requires me to take notice. And there's something mysterious about something or someone beautiful that invites my being to engage. Beauty and kindness open me to a world bigger than myself.

The poet John O'Donohue said that your world can be changed with an "open heart and a watchful reverence." That is the posture I truly desire. I want a heart that lives up and out. A posture that leans toward another, not just itself. This is what I believe Christ is inviting me to, especially this Lenten season. God is calling me forth with God's own beauty and kindness and inviting me to move up and out of darkness, to lean toward the light.

*the painting - Juli Kalbaugh, Toward the Sun, 2010

LIVING SPACE

2011-03-20T22:06:00.023-04:00

Good design can change your life.

~Ty Pennington

It only seemed fitting that Corey and I spent almost our entire Christmas vacation working on our newly purchased home. My word of the year is space, and even though I had thought about it mostly in terms of time and relationships it seemed appropriate to think about the importance of physical space.

I strongly believe that your physical environment affects your quality of life and how you feel - whether this is in the DMV, a school classroom, a restaurant, or your home. When our environments are simply reduced to function and practicality (i.e. four bare walls and some chairs) something of our humanity is lost. Prisons are designed this way for a reason.

Beauty is a mysterious thing. We can't quite define it but we know when we see it. Why and how are we affected by our environment? How does visual art and design form and inform our identities? These are some of the questions that led me back to school to study theology and the arts.

While talking about our move to Durham, NC Corey and I had hopes of providing hospitality and space for others. We wanted a place to offer rest and joy to all those yet unmet people we would encounter along the way. So, we signed the dotted line and purchased a house with the desire that it would be filled up with love and friendship. And for me, one of the best parts was having a space to design and create! Over the past few months our living room was our canvas.

When we moved in our first course of action was to repaint. The walls were covered in a hostile yellow. I felt like the room was attacking me! And the worst part was that it was everywhere! Once we got rid of the egg yoke colored disaster I felt like I could breathe. But then school took over and for the longest time the walls were bare. I can't tell you what a difference it made to put things on the wall that stimulate and inspire me. Now, instead of simply a space that we occupy it is a sanctuary.

And, I also believe that good design shouldn't have to come with an enormous price tag. One of our favorite things to do is thrift shop for chachkis and good deals. You just need a little imagination and some patience.

Take a look at the transformation. (the before pics are ones we took when we were house-hunting)

Living Room 1 - AFTER

Living Room 1 - BEFORE

Living Room 2 - AFTER

Living Room 2 - BEFORE

Living Room 3 - AFTER

Living Room 3 - BEFORE

My two favorite parts of the room are:

1) the stenciled wall
It took me forever to finish it! But it turned out just like I envisioned it
and I am still in love with it every time I see it!

2) the DIY lampshade
I covered one of our boring old lampshades with some fabric I had.
So easy and so cool!

PLACES OF REDEMPTION

2011-03-18T09:02:00.006-04:00

(The New Creation Arts Group at Duke Divinity School is putting on a visual art exhibit around the theme - Places of Redemption. I wrote this as a reflection on and introduction to the exhibit.)

When you look around the world, what do you see? Who do you see? So often we leave things and people in our periphery vision, refusing to call them to the forefront of our perception. We do not have a place for the “other” or give space to the broken. It is easier to believe that everything is ok than to see the wounds in and around our world, and in and around our own lives. As Christians we have a tendency to focus on our disembodied beliefs, preferring to pass over “worldly” concerns. If this is our posture toward the world and toward each other we are doing great damage by denying the full reality of the place we find ourselves in.

We believe in the radical story of the Gospel - that God entered the world and chose to engage with humanity, and all of creation, in and through the incarnate Jesus Christ. The once unseen God stepped into humanity in a specific time, place, and history and is seen in Jesus. God chose to reveal the infinite through the finite by using the art of incarnation, taking on bodily shape and form to be with us in the very worst humanity has to offer, sin and death, and then conquered death through the resurrection of Jesus. But that is not where the gospel ends. Poet Steve Turner writes, “The gospel is not limited to the mention of death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus. But in its fullness, the gospel spreads out and embraces all aspects of our lives.”

In her book, Places of Redemption, Mary McClintock Fulkerson writes about creating a “place for appearing.” She believes that our bodily practices and participation in the world creates place. If that is true, what might it look like for us, as Christians, to create a place that allows us to see the fullness of our reality – the beauty as well as the devastation, the joy and the despair, the whole and the broken, the black and the white, the self and the other? What might it look like for us to make space for the Gospel, for redemption, to appear - right here, right now.

Norman Wirzba, Duke Professor of Theology and Ecology believes that “if Christian faith, love, and hope are not simply ideas but also ways of life then these must find expression.” They must reveal themselves as lived practices that happen in the in the physical, embodied world we inhabit. They must come alive, not just in our inner, spiritual selves but also in the places and spaces in and around our world. “Christian life, understood as a participation (however imperfect) in these Godly ways of being in the world, is the opportunity to bear witness to this God who creates, sustains, and redeems creation.” God invites us and calls us to help shape the world we live in. So, “What does it mean, and what does it look like, for Christians to express their faith through the places—the homes, churches, neighborhoods, economies, architecture, public spaces, relationships, physical bodies— in which they live?”

We need an incarnational imagination that will allow us to see God at work in the midst of our world and to help us see the possibilities for transformation. One of the gifts that art gives us is the ability to speak to the tension of what is true, what will be true, as well as the ache of the present world we find ourselves in. It can bring to light the horrors of our situations and help us see those places where redemption is desperately needed. Art can also reveal spaces where redemption has and will come through Jesus Christ.

The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together,
so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the LORD has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isaiah 41:17-20

:: mercy ::

WELCOME AND WELL-BEING

2011-03-17T06:00:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about that word - welcome. The word is a combination of well and come. (totally brilliant insight, I know...) And I've been pondering what it means for wellness - peace, wholeness, shalom - to come into the space I inhabit. What does it mean for it to enter? What does it look like for me to invite it to come and be here with me?

I've been wondering what it means for me to feel welcome in my own space, in my own skin, and how this affects how (maybe even if) I welcome others into those places in and around me.

There's almost nothing worse than feeling unseen, unwanted - unwelcome. What is the damage am I doing if that is my posture toward my own being? It's a sickness, really, this idolatry of self. Like a cancer, it turns against itself and begins to fight against any notion of well-being. Sometimes, when Corey and I are fighting, he will turn to me, look me in the eyes, and say, "I am on your team." It makes me pause, halts my vicious attack-mode, and reminds me of what is true - that he is for me, not against me, and that this is a safe space for me to inhabit. In this same way, the writer Anne Lamott reminds me that I should be "militantly on my own side."

What if I invited myself to be here with me... Welcome, Juli. Peace be with me.

The only way she would ever be well again was if and when she freely chose to be.

~Frederick Buechner - Telling Secrets

LOOKING FOR LIGHT

2011-03-15T06:00:00.003-04:00

This time of year starts to get a little draining on my soul. It's been a lengthy, wending winter. The daylight fades early and the long nights swoop in with their dark cloak that seems to smother the life giving air. The colors of fall have fallen and passed long ago. Giving way to the death of winter.

But this past Sunday we sprung our clocks forward. The light now begins to stretch itself to last just ever so much longer each day. The birth of the first bloom is waiting to burst. If your lucky enough to live in the South, some of those buds have already shown their true colors. But the full flourish of spring is not yet here. Signs of life are hinted at if you pause long enough to see, but the cold still lingers and the trees are still waiting to dress their full glory. We wait and we hope for the light and life of Spring to come and show her face.

In the season of Lent we find ourselves in that space between the darkness and the light. Here, in that dim haziness we try to make our way.

Recently, I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night, in that space between the dreaming and the living, disoriented with foggy eyes, wondering who and where I am. I find myself searching desperately for something familiar, some sign of life to keep the darkness and panic from grabbing on too tight. I'm looking for just a sliver of light to reveal what is true. It is so much harder to find your way in that heavy, thick blanket of night.

Come, o come, Light of the World. Help us find our way to You.

MONDAY MORNING MIX

2011-03-14T06:00:00.007-04:00

High Fidelity is one of my all-time favorite movies. John Cusack plays a character (Rob) that owns a record shop and spends his days making mix-tapes, Top-5 lists, and working through his identity crisis. There is this great scene where one of his friends/co-workers (played by Jack Black) bursts into the store on a Monday morning with his "special Monday Morning Mix Tape" to cheer everyone up. Of course, Rob hates the idea - he'd rather keep on being his miserable, sad-bastard self.

So, in honor of ditching my own bastard-self this Lent I've put together my own Monday Morning Mix. These are the songs I've been obsessed with recently. They give some words (and a nice beat) to where I find myself these days. And we all know I love spending my days making mix-tapes, Top-5 lists, and working through my most recent existential crisis.

I had crazy dream last night. I was with a group of people who were singing, but since I have a terrible singing voice I wasn't participating. Instead, I was sitting there feeling ashamed and alone. Then, Adam Lambert came up to me (I know, so weird) and said, "You have a beautiful voice. You need to sing." I woke up this morning cracking up that I had a dream about Adam Lambert! But, the more I thought about it the more I realized that those words were just what I needed to hear. Was Adam Lambert the voice of God speaking to my heart? Who knows. But I do know that today I put in my Monday Morning Mix and I sang a little louder.

Sing when I'm broken,

and I'll sing when I'm free.
Sing for the world,
and then sing just for me.
~Lucy Schwartz - Life in Letters

Enjoy the mix. (To listen I think you need to open up my blog directly - it doesn't look like the music player is showing in Google Reader...)

PLUGGING IN

2011-03-12T06:00:00.002-05:00

So... I kind of freaked out after my last post. When I finished it I sat there for about 30 minutes trying to decide if blogging is really the Lenten discipline I want to take on. I pushed post and then thought, crap. (actually I said, shit.) I mean, I could just journal on my own without posting it on my blog. Wouldn't that actually be a little more spiritual? A lot of people I know are UNplugging during Lent, leaving facebook, giving up blog reading - but I'm plugging in. Isn't that wrong? Doesn't it seem like this whole idea is a bit more about me than about denying myself?

And suddenly I felt all this pressure. Great, I thought. Now I'm going to have to come up with 40 freaking things to write about and then I'm actually going to have to write something - AND, of course, it has to be deep and witty and funny and brilliant. My spirit sank and the heaviness crushed me like a sumo wrestler on my chest.

That's when the bastard-self showed up and started throwing a party - only the party wasn't for me. In fact, I wasn't even invited to the party, and my bastard-self wanted to make sure I knew that there isn't anything about me worth celebrating. You can't do this. You don't have anything to say. What a joke. Aren't you supposed to give up something for Lent? You're worthless.

Today, I spent some time in silence (another small discipline I'm attending to). I wanted to know what God wanted me to do. Get over yourself. That's what came to my mind. Uh, excuse me? Yep, get over yourself.

In that moment it became clear - the daily pressure I put on myself is not only ridiculous but damaging. The bastard-self has taken over and it's time for her to go down. I carry around this burden of attaining some standard that doesn't exit, and it weighs me down and suffocates me. This pressure makes my life small, is completely life-sucking, and leaves no room for anything or anyone else - no room for grace. No room for Jesus. And really, no room for my true self.

So what if I sound like an idiot? So what if I write something crappy? So what if no one reads it or cares about it? Get over yourself. This isn't about getting it right or impressing people or being deep, witty, funny, or brilliant (even though I so desperately want to be all those things). It's about connecting with God and about giving space to life. It's about being messy. It's about using my voice. And it's about tending to something other than performing well in school.

So, this Lent I'm giving up pressure and denying my bastard-self. Instead, I'm pressing into Jesus. I'm plugging in to life. (I'm quite tempted to erase that last bit because it sounds pretty cheesy. But, maybe I need a little bit more cheesiness in my life. Dang, this is gonna be hard...)

LENTEN SPACE

2011-03-11T06:00:00.004-05:00

Lent is upon is. It's a strange season to enter and even more awkward to invite into your life. Happy Lent! (not quite...) Here we go - Lent. (ummm, no.) Welcome, Lent. Yes, that feels like what I hope for this season. An open heart to welcome and embrace the space Lent gives us to remember and experience death in order that life might spring forth. It's a time for giving up vices and letting go of self. We make room for the One who died so that we might have life.

I had been thinking long and hard about what Lenten practice I wanted to participate in this season. I had a few ideas but never felt settled on what I wanted to do. So, I asked Corey. We talked about my desire to create space. And then we talked about how school has been all-consuming for me, despite my desire to have more balance. He thought for a moment and then said - I think you should take time everyday for writing. As soon as he said it I knew that's what I needed to do.

Writing is important for me. It's a way for me to be present in my own life, to sit with some of the darkness and make my way to the light. And yet, the time I make for this life-giving activity is very little. So, making space for connection and reflection seems just right. And by taking time everyday for writing I will necessarily be forced to cease other all-consuming activities, namely the homework that I so devoutly spend each and every moment attending to.

And since I originally started this blog as a space to nourish my soul and work out my salvation with fear and trembling it only seems right that I come back to this place this season of Lent.

So, today I re-read the words that name my desire for this space - they are sitting right there in the upper right-hand corner of my blog - and I invite myself back into this place. Welcome, Lent.

The answer must be, I think, that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will sense them. The least we can do is try to be there.
~Annie Dillard

"That's what this blog is for - to help me be there. To remind me to pay attention. To remember who I am, where I have been, and the hope of what is yet to come. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a word or image that invites you."

CREATING SPACE

2011-03-09T21:39:00.005-05:00

It's March. I'm just now making the time and space to write about my "word of the year."

Wound-tight, pressure-filled, exhausted, small. Words that too often and too accurately describe my modus operandi. It gets to be pretty crammed in here when I desperately grab and grasp and pull things into my life to fill the emptiness. So, this year I chose a word to guide me that would help combat my frantic, cramped, and closed posture - my word for 2011 is space.

Space. Room to breathe, to stretch out, to reach out. Space to rest, to enjoy, to engage, and to be. Rather than allowing jealousy, competition, and anxiety snuff out all the joy and truth I want to clear a path for love, and maybe even a little grace.

I want to create time for silence and solitude, a space to hear the voice of God. A place for tears and failure and laughter and car dancing. Space that welcomes imperfection and questions and wonder and maybe even a not-so-greatly-written assignment for school. I want to make room to celebrate, welcome, and invite others into the space that I guard so tightly, even if that means letting someone see a dirty house or a messy soul.

So far, my year hasn't exactly been the epitome of space. I'd like to simply blame it on an insanely rigorous master's degree program, but it's more likely due to a heart and a disposition that have been trained to do and go, not to stop and to be. I'm reminded that it takes some time, and lots of room to bumble and fumble around, when you are trying to change an M.O. that has been molded and shaped into a certain way of being.

But there have been glimpses and moments. There have been the teenciest acts of courage and invitation, just a sliver of movement. And so, one itsy-bitsy moment at a time my life is taking a different shape, ever so slowly releasing itself from its cramped, stuck position into one of openness and freedom. Behold, God is doing a new thing here in this space.

And, it's only March.

CHANGING MY TUNE ~

2011-02-13T13:08:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow I turn 33. I'm not sure what it is about that number, but we are already at odds. We don't seem to be getting off to a smooth start, me and 33. I haven't had too many issues with getting older (ok, maybe some) but 33 seems to be a bit of a bitch.

I think I'm officially past being able to call it a quarter life crisis. John Mayer's lyric has been one of my mantras for the past few years - it might be a quarter life crisis / or just a stirring in my soul - but lately it has felt a bit darker than a stirring. So, I guess I'm officially on to Existential Crisis 3.3. (Thank you to my new friend Alaina for her semantic genius.)

Three years ago I was excited to enter my 30s. To step more into who I am becoming and to leave some of the heavy wrestlings, anxiety, turmoil, and sheer madness of the 20s behind me. But shucks if all that isn't still making itself known in those dark and dirty places.

I don't know how to enter this one gracefully, so I'm just going to have to bumble around this space as best as I can. I'm not sure what it will look like. Probably lots of fumbling and falling down. Most likely some shame and loneliness. Hopefully there will be some light and maybe some space to breathe. There will surely be tears. Thank God for tears. And certainly a prayer - Lord have mercy.

Of course, it wouldn't be a Juli Kalbaugh crisis without some pop music (preferably at a high volume). So I'm turning in my John Mayer for the scandalous Pink.

Raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways.

Here's to all the wrong and all the right - in you and in me. Cheers.

BEST OF 2010 AWARDS ~

2011-01-13T20:57:00.010-05:00

It's time for the Juli Kalbaugh BEST OF 2010 AWARDS! We're gonna jam them all into one blog post since I am a bit late giving the awards this year. Drum roll please...

2010 MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Inception

-A mind-bending movie you need to see more than once.

2010 ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Goo Goo Dolls - Something For the Rest of Us (2010)

- What can I say? The Goos are my fave. This one grew on me the more and more I listened to it. With lyrics that explore the darkness and hope for the light, the Goo Goo Dolls always call the listener to honesty and challenge her to deep connection.

Here are my favorite 3 songs from the album.

2010 ALBUM OF THE YEAR RUNNER-UP: Matt Wertz -Under Summer Sun (2008)

- This album is getting runner-up status because it was not actually released in 2010. However, I discovered it in 2010 and absolutely lo-ve it. Matt's got a mellow, funky grove worth a listen. You'll probably put this one on repeat.

2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR (non-fiction): Revelations of Divine Love by Julian of Norwich

-Deep. Rich. Be prepared to read it slowly and let it sit with you.

"And I saw quite certainly in this and in everything that God loved us before he made us; and his love has never diminished and never shall. And all of his works were done in this love; and in this love he has made everything for our profit; and in this love our life is everlasting."

2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR (fiction): The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer

-Loved this one! It's been a while since I read something that I couldn't put down and I couldn't wait until I could jump back into the story with these friends! Shaffer wrote in a way that made me feel like I was there on Guernsey Island with the characters. The story is written in the form of letters to and from different people and I really enjoyed that technique! The main character, Juliet, is someone I wish I was like - strong, courageous, hilarious, loving, soulful, and one who gets to the heart of living. And the other characters felt like they were actually friends I knew. I was sad to say goodbye when I came to the last page!

2010 BLOG OF THE YEAR (new category!): Jamie the Very Worst Missionary
(not sure if I first heard about her from John or Winn or Miska but thank you!)

-Jamie is a missionary in Cost Rica who writes about her life, experiences, and spiritual life. She blows the lid off of the stereotype of "missionary" (and "Christian" for that matter.) She uses curse words, after all. (enter heavy sarcasm) And what Christian actually uses swear words and honesty? She is bold, alive, and freaking hilarious. At times she had me in tears and fits of laughing hysterics. Jamie doesn't shy away from letting her flaws show and her doubts known. I hope that some of her zest for God and life will rub off on me through the computer screen.

Do you readers out there have any BEST OF 2010 AWARDS?

Beginning... again.

2010-09-08T22:06:00.009-04:00

Always we begin again.
-St. Benedict

I love those words by St. Benedict. On any given day it reminds me that my most recent stumble into the darkness, or my panic-stricken flailing about, or my failure to have an open posture toward the world is not the end of the story. Always, he says, we begin again.

But recently I've been wishing all the beginning would end. All the new has started getting old. New place, new home, new school, new people, new routine. New everything. I'm starting all over... again.

I've written here before about the phases of moving/upheaval that I have gone through in the past. I think I've officially hit Phase 3 - The Crash/Feeling Lost. My soul (as well as body) is in the process of a reorientation. I'm constantly wondering - Where am I? Who am I? Why am I here? Which drawer has the silverware? Where is classroom is 0015-L? (Although, I have gotten pretty good at rattling off the following in about 6.7 seconds - "Juli Kalbaugh, originally from Minnesota, non-denominational, Master of Divinity, first year, theology and the arts, purple..." Gag me.)

Knowing that I've felt like this before is a good reminder that the dizziness of newness is part of the process, the long process of orienting and reorienting my life toward home.

As I unpacked box upon box of books this evening I stumbled upon a prayer we said in church at the turn of the new year. I had cut it out and kept it. Now, I guess I know why.

We are at another beginning, God. Be with us as we depart.
May our heart be with you, God, on this journey, the pilgrim's way.
Give us open hearts as we step into new places and new relationships.
May our heart be with you, God.
Give us courage to face all that will come in this new year.
May your heart be with us, God.
Help us to live free and walk into the light.
Go with us, God, into all that is new. Be our light.

May I begin again, always.

WEBSITE LAUNCH AND GIVE-A-WAY ~

2010-04-26T07:38:00.001-04:00

***Welcome to the GRAND OPENING of JuliKalbaugh.com ***

You may or may not know that Corey and I moved to Charlottesville, Virginia for a little adventure before we head off to school in the fall (more on that to come...). What you may or may not also know is that one of the draws to Cville (besides amazing friends) was that I had the opportunity to be a resident visual artist at Skylight Studios.

Skylight is an amazing place with owners who have a desire to connect the community with the arts. (love you Kate and Kelly!) It is my hope too, that the arts, in all its variety of forms, would be an integral part in people's lives. For me, painting has been an avenue of healing and restoration. In this same way, I hope people might catch a glimpse of beauty, hope, and imagination in and from the art I create.

I am excited to announce the "official" launch of my art website - julikalbaugh.com! (many cheers and confetti falling around...) An abundance of thanks to Austin for helping me get it up and running!

In celebration of the opportunity I have at Skylight Studios, the fun of launching my website, and because I truly desire to be generous with the art I create - I am GIVING AWAY A PAINTING!

Head over to julikalbaugh.com for details!

***The Give-A-Way has ended. A huge thank you to everyone who commented. It means more than you could know. Congratulations to Shannon Hayes for winning a painting!!***

EASTER CONVERSATION - WEEK 2

2010-04-12T10:58:00.004-04:00

Last week I mentioned that I am participating in an online conversation around the book the Challenge of Easter by N.T. Wright. This is my week to be the conversation starter/guest blogger.

Check out what I have to say - here.

Come on over and join us. We'd love to hear what you have to say.

More of the conversation:

~Introduction - Winn Collier - here.

~Week 1 - thoughts from Nathan Elmore - here.

EASTER CONVERSATION ~

2010-04-05T14:00:00.003-04:00

Easter is not only a single day, it is also a season in the Christian calendar. This Eastertide I am honored to be invited to participate as a guest blogger in an Easter Conversation hosted by Winn Collier via the blog-o-sphere at blog.winncollier.com. The conversation will stem from a reading of N.T. Wright's book The Challenge of Easter as we talk about the difficulties of living out and believing in the story of God. Each Monday during the season of Easter (the next 5 weeks) a different person will start the discussion on one of Wright's chapters with the hope that some back-and-forth conversation will spring forth.

You, too, are invited into this conversation. If you feel like you are already behind, you're not. If you want to read The Challenge of Easter yourself, you've got time. It's only 60ish pages - short and sweet - one chapter might take you 15 minutes. But, you can participate even if you haven't read the book. Just check out the conversation post/responses each week and share your own thoughts and questions.

Here's a good start:

~Read Winn's introduction.

~Read about the contributing guest writers.

~Order The Challenge of Easter - $6.00 on Amazon.

~Check out the 1st week's post by Nathan Elmore on The Question of Jesus' Resurrection.

~Check Winn's blog each Monday for a new discussion.

THE WHOLE AND THE BROKEN ~

2010-04-04T17:00:00.005-04:00

Ultimately the whole and the broken live side by side in us all.

~Estelle Frankel

I've been pondering that quote for quite some time now. It's been stuck with me for about a year. It keeps coming back up, returning to my mind, and just simply hasn't let me go on with my daily routine without reminding me that somehow, someway, I am both broken and whole.

This Lenten season has been a long one for me. It felt heavy, like I was trudging through thigh-high snow drifts. I felt exhausted, disappointed in my lack of discipline, and frustrated that I didn't take more time to stay connected to my heart. But this is probably how it should be during a season of brokenness. I can't make life work on my own. After all, I am broken.

This year for Lent our church invited us to acknowledge the brokenness, both in the world and in our own lives, by physically breaking floor tiles during several of our Sunday worship services. This physical, symbolic act was a powerful, and often jarring, reminder that all is not as it should be. As I chose my purple tile, rose my hammer, and smashed my square into broken pieces I wondered how I would ever be whole.

The past few days a few of us have been working on gathering up those broken pieces and making them into a mosaic communion table that will be a part of the church community. As I helped put the pieces into the mosaic I saw my own broken pieces mixed in with the rest of the community's broken fragments. My brokenness was now intimately connected with another's brokenness. And slowly, as each shattered section of tile was laid down, it began to become part of the whole. What a strong picture of true community - cracked and fragmented lives bound together. Each one of us bringing something broken. Each one of us bringing something beautiful. All of us side by side as we participate in the process of being made whole by a God who promises to make all things new.

I've been reading Julian of Norwhich for the past couple of weeks and her words couldn't be more true on this day. This Easter day - a day of hope, celebration, and believing the reality that God is alive, He is at work, and we are being made new. We are both journeying toward wholeness and yet already made whole. And somehow, someway, because of Jesus, "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Alleluia. Amen.

THE BASTARD SELF ~

2010-03-18T23:17:00.004-04:00

The worst power of an evil mood is this-
It makes the bastard self seem in the right,
Self, self the end, the goal of human bliss.
But if the Christ-self in us be the might
Of saving God, why should I spend my force
With a dark thing to reason of the light --
Not push it rough aside,
and hold obedient course?
from Diary of an Old Soul
by George MacDonald

Have you had a visit from your bastard self recently? You know the one. The self that says things like, “You are no good. You are not worth it. You are ugly. You are dumb. You will always be alone. No one wants to know you. You failed. You will never get it right.” Yep, that’s the one. Perhaps, like mine, your bastard self has come for longer than a quick visit. Perhaps she has unpacked her bags and made herself at home. So much so that she has become a permanent resident. A permanent voice in your life.

I am just beginning to realize how much this bastard self has been directing my thoughts, my actions, and my feelings toward my life and who I am. It is becoming more apparent just how at home she has made herself in my heart. Recently, I had an experience that allowed my bastard self to show her full glory.

I spent a few days with people I didn’t know - mingling, chatting, exploring a possible future in the area. I found myself having the same conversation with everyone I encountered, smiling and nodding as I listened to all the amazing things they have done. After some time repeating the same boring spiel about myself over and over I could no longer muster up the energy to tell anyone all the great things about me or convince them why they should think I am worthy of their time. I felt exhausted. I felt unknown. I felt alone.

The next day I was faced with a barrage of questions regarding topics I feel I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about and wresting through. However, in that moment I found myself unable to articulate my answers. My tongue became a foreign object. Sounds that were supposed to be words were coming from my mouth but upon hitting the air they turned into something totally incomprehensible. The blank stares that faced me communicated the group’s inner dialogue, which seemed to be nothing short of, “What the hell is she saying?” I left the room with a heaviness that began to consume me. “What happened in there? Why could you not answer the questions intelligently? Why were you such a complete idiot? You totally embarrassed yourself. You should feel ashamed of how terrible that went.” I found the nearest bathroom and exploded into tears. Exhausted. Unknown. Alone. Ashamed.

Not only did I feel like I hadn’t offered my truest self but I felt like what I had offered was embarrassing and shameful. The bastard self was having a field day. I spent the next few days trying to wade through the experience and regain my ground, but the shame was blinding me and I was already too far gone. When I returned home on Sunday evening I read the words of George MacDonald (see above) and they rushed in to rescue me.

That prayer allowed me to realize that my bastard self had taken over. I had believed what she said and believed that she was right about who I am. I was reminded that the bastard self is not the end nor is it who I really am. All I could do in the moment was acknowledge the false self, push it aside, turn back toward home, and pray the prayer appointed for the week. And then do it again...

Almighty God, you know that we have no power in ourselves to help ourselves: Keep us both outwardly in our bodies and inwardly in our souls, that we may be defended from all adversities which may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts which may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen

6 WORD MEMOIR~

2010-03-16T13:54:00.004-04:00

This past weekend I participated in an event that invited us to share about ourselves using six words. Being the poo-poo-er that I often am I had some internal dialogue about how cheesy and uninformative this little exercise was going to be. However, as the room of people began sharing I found myself in awe at the power six words could hold. According to NPR, legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was asked to write a full story in six words. He responded, "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn." Check out this article to read other six-word memoirs.

This is what I shared:
"Stepping into being me - about time."

What is your six-word memoir?

BRIGHT SADNESS ~

2010-02-21T21:52:00.006-05:00

:: mercy ::
02/2010

In the season of Lent we enter the bright sadness. Sad for all that is broken.
Bright for what God will awaken. But now the earth is silent and still.
~Winn Collier

Today marked the first Sunday in the season of Lent. Lent is the 40 days we mark before Easter - a time of preparation, reflection, and waiting. It is a time to recognize the brokenness in our own lives and in the world around us. It is a time to lay our souls naked and bare before the living God instead of desperately grasping at leaves to cover our shame, mistakes, wounds, and guilt. We lay down our vices and open our eyes to see the reality of fragmented lives. It is a time to connect with the dark and broken places in our hearts and stand with arms wide inviting the living God to make us whole.

Kyrie, eleison. - Lord, have mercy.
Christe, eleison. - Christ have mercy.
Kyrie, eleison. - Lord, have mercy.

I HEART VALENTINE'S DAY ~

2010-02-14T03:05:00.015-05:00

It just so happens that I was born on Valentine's Day. It follows that my birthday falls on the "day of love" every year. Because of this, people always ask me how I feel about having my birthday on Valentine's Day. I like it. I love it. But I haven't always felt that way...

Being a young girl with a birthday on Valentine's Day automatically meant a birthday filled with an abundance of the color red (and its many shades), hearts, frilly doilies, pinky pink, and all sorts of ornate flowery stuff. (I specifically remember a red sweater drizzled with white hearts that made quite a few appearances on my little Valentine torso.) After years of the dizzying heart-shaped madness I began to feel like Valentine's Day threw up all over my birthday with it's lovey-dovey, girly, sugary-sweetness. Gag me.

As a result my response was to secretly reject all things Valentiney - heart-shaped anything, frilliness, pink-you-stink, and dainty, powder-puffy girly stuff. I wanted to figure out what I really liked rather than have it assumed that I loved hearts. I wanted to be celebrated beyond being the Valentine's birthday girl. I wanted to be able to celebrate me. Sometimes it's hard to share my birthday with billions of other people who are getting roses, chocolates, and love letters. It's easy to feel like my birthday falls in the shadow of The Great Valentine. But then I began to realize that actually, yes, it does - my birth is covered in The Great Love.

Valentine's Day is the day I was given life. It could have been any other day, but it wasn't. I was born into the world on a day when the whole world celebrates love. Love! What a wonderful, fun, and special day - AND it's the day I get to especially celebrate my life. (The keyword in that last sentence being "I".) For a long time I didn't feel like there was much to celebrate. Always comparing myself to other people and always feeling like I came up short left me (and often still leaves me) wondering what made me special. There came a time, about 10 years ago, when I realized that with the rejection of Valentiney girlyness, and some of the things I wrongly associated with being feminine, came a rejection of some of who I was. Rather than celebrating the gift of being me, I was disappointed with it.

As an act of repentance (a turning towards home), a step toward reclaiming of my true identity, a reminder of the beauty of my femininity, and as a celebration of the life that I was given I chose to get a small tattoo. It is a heart that sits in the middle of three dots symbolizing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. At the center of the Trinitarian relationship is - love. Out of that love I was born into being (and so were you!) It is a symbolic reminder of God's true heart for me, His presence surrounding me, and my own desire to live out of a place of deep truth and love. I want to embrace my life for all that it is (and isn't). I want to celebrate my own heart and everything that comes with it (red, pink, and everything in between).

Is it merely coincidence that a girl who has a perverse desire to be the best (at everything) and an unhealthy battle with disappointment has to (gasp!) share her birthday with a celebration of love? I'll let you be the judge - but I have my own inklings.

As for the original question about how I feel about having my birthday on February 14 --- Bring on the hearts, the pink, the red, the flowers, the doilies, and bring on the chocolate! I ♥ Valentine's Day!

SNOW DAY! ~

2010-02-06T12:10:00.004-05:00

I think this is my car...

Yep... it's my car...

I'm actually loving the snow... something about it feels like home...

2009: MOVIE OF THE YEAR ~

2010-01-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

It was kind of a down year for me and movies made in 2009. I didn't really watch all that many. So, this year's award is going to a 2007 film. That's the great thing about it being my award - I make the rules!

The 2009 Juli Kalbaugh Movie of the Year Award goes to... War Dance.

Fourteen year old Dominic said, “If we don’t tell our story, you won’t know.” War Dance is a moving story of hope, life, and the power of the arts. It's a documentary about a group of students in war-torn northern Uganda who compete in a national music competition. It follows the children in the refugee camps of Patongo and tells the heart-breaking story of four of the children more closely.

Intermixed with the horror of war, destruction, and death is a moving story that reveals how the arts can help shape, heal, and inspire both individuals and a community. Powerful, compelling, beautiful, gut-wrenching. (Be sure to have some tissues.)

What was your movie of the year??

---------------------------------------------------------
Past Winners ~
-2008: Movie of the Year

2009: ALBUM OF THE YEAR ~

2010-01-28T23:57:00.002-05:00

The 2009 Juli Kalbaugh Album of the Year Award goes to ... The Civil Wars - Live at Eddie's Attic.

I'm proud to give this year's award to a local Nashville band! I posted about The Civil Wars earlier this year. You can check out what I had to say about them here.

There is just something magical about the combo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. They have literally taken my breath away a few times. It's raw, ethereal, and deeply beautiful. It seems like every time I play them someone pauses and asks me who it is. They just have a way of catching your ear. They are truly something special.

You can check them out HERE where you can download the FREE ALBUM!

Here is a video of my favorite song - Poison and Wine. This one has been on repeat for quite some time. ENJOY!

--------------------------------------
PAST WINNERS -
~2008: Album of the Year

2010 BOOKS ~

2010-01-27T23:58:00.028-05:00

Another year - Another list. You can check out my reviews and keep up with me on Goodreads by clicking here. And I'm always up for a good recommendation so feel free to send them my way!

-The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy **
-The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown ***
-The Rule of St. Benedict *****
-Holy Teaching: Introducing the Summa Theologica of St. Thomas Aquinas by Frederick Christian Bauerschmidt ****
-The Craft of Research by Wayne G. Booth, Joseph M. Williams, and Gregory G. Colomb ****
-Light Through Darkness: The Orthodox Tradition by John Chryssavgis ****
-The Historical Books (Interpreting Biblical Texts) by Richard D. Nelson ****
-The Pentateuch (Interpreting Biblical Texts) by Terence E. Fretheim *****
-Christian Spirituality: Themes from the Tradition by Lawrence S. Cunningham and Keith J Egan ****
-The Confessions of St. Augustine translated by Rex Warner ***
-Life of Macrina by Gregory of Nyssa *****
-Christian Spirituality by Alister E. McGrath ***
-St. Gregory Palamas and Orthodox Spirituality by John Meyendorff ****
-Philosophy for Understanding Theology by Diogenes Allen ***
-Prayer and Our Bodies by Flora Slosson Wuellner ****
-In Constant Prayer by Robert Benson *****
-Strong Poison by Dorothy Sayers ****
-East of Eden by John Steinbeck ****
-Art & Soul: Signposts for Christians in the Arts by Hilary Brand and Adrienne Chaplin ****.5
-Emma by Jane Austen *****
-The Wounded Healer by Henri J.M. Nouwen ****
-Atonement (a novel) by Ian McEwan **
-Revelations of Divine Love by Julian of Norwich *****
-Navigating New Terrain: Work and Women's Spiritual Lives by Claire E. Wolfteich ****
-The Challenge of Easter by N.T. Wright ***
-A Hidden Wholeness by Parker J. Palmer **.5
-Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense by N.T. Wright *****
-The Help by Kathryn Stockett *****
-The Eyes of the Heart by Frederick Buechner ****
-The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer *****
-Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson ***
-Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes *
-The Moviegoer by Walker Percy ***.5
-On Beauty and Being Just by Elaine Scarry ***.5
-Open House by Elizabeth Berg ****
-Brendan: A Novel by Frederick Buechner **
-Art and the Bible by Francis Schaeffer ***.5
-My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok ****
------------------------------------------------------------------
***** = Loved it! Wanted to re-read it as soon as I finished! Highly recommend.
**** = Great book. Really liked it! Would recommend.
*** = Average rating. Didn't love it. Didn't hate it.
** = Eh. I struggled through it. Would not recommend.
* = Did not like it. Wish I would have used my time doing something else.

2009: BOOK OF THE YEAR ~

2010-01-26T14:10:00.002-05:00

2009 came and went... I'm still trying to catch up to myself after a whirlwind came and took me away for a bit. I've landed safely and am doing my best to regain my balance. It's been quite a ride. You know it's been crazy when I'm almost a month overdue with some of my favorite posts - the year in favorites. So, bear with me as these next few posts bring it back a bit. Back to 2009...

--------------------------------------------
The 2009 Juli Kalbaugh Book of the Year Award goes to.... Godric: A Novel by Frederick Buechner.

Godric is a fictional tale about the life of a twelfth-century saint (Godric) who's life is far from saintly. Buechner captures the tension of living - the loneliness of shame and guilt, the desperate grasp for grace, the seesaw of repentance, the beauty and ache of relationships, the battle with self. It's a powerful journey of a man trying to find his way.

It took me a while to get into Buechner's writing style in this one - it's a bit Old Englishy (but not) with some rhythm and rhyme. In fact, I didn't really like the book much at first. But then, it got me and I fell in love. He just has a way with words. He can put ordinary words that you have read a million times into a sentence in a new way that makes you pause and really hear what he is saying. The brilliance for me came when I went back and reread it (I had to know it pretty well as I read it for school). I was blown away at the weaving and interlacing that Buechner did starting from the beginning. The more I read it, the better it got. Simply brilliant. Beautiful.

I think I just loved the honesty and rawness of Godric who at one point tells someone his name means "God wreck", even thought it actually means "God reigns". "God's wreck I be, it means. God's wrecked Godric for his sins. Or Godric's sins have mad a wreck of God." Man, I know the feeling... We are all on this journey. We are all lost. We are all found.

The ending is one of my all-time favorite book endings. Tears came each time I read it. Magnificent.

Favorite books of 2009 ~
FICTION:
1) Godric by Frederick Buechner
2) Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
3) The Road by Cormac McCarthy

NON-FICTION:
1) Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner
2) To a Young Jazz Musician: Letters From the Road by Wynton Marsalis
3) Art in Action by Nicholas Wolterstorff

What was your book(s) of the year?

-----------------------------------------------
~Full book list 2009
~Book of the Year: 2008

THE ONE ABOUT ME ~

2010-01-01T23:26:00.002-05:00

I am a new Durham-ite, the wife of a fantastic man, a linear artist stepping into life at 32.

I am pressing into balance, rest, sacred rhythms, mercy, beauty, mystery, Jesus.

I am an INTJ, a realist, a wrestler, a questioner who takes forever to make a decision.

I am on the lookout for vulnerability, real community, people who embrace the gift of tears, good books, a great bargain.

I am addicted to Diet Coke, french fries, homemade chex-mix, LOST.

I am a U of MN alum, a current Duke Blue Devil, a Clemson basketball fan.

I am a marathon finisher, a beginning Hebrew language student, a new home owner , a lover of old things.

I love travel, art, running, thunderstorms, turkey sandwiches, a good mystery, my friends.

I am trying to think of myself less often, offer who I am, listen to others, live artfully.

I have been known to take long naps, sit with my cat in my lap, kick butt in board games, drive aimlessly, car dance madly, laugh loudly.

You might find me organizing my closet, exploring a new place, searching for contentment, having a complete breakdown.

Welcome. I hope that you find a word or image that invites you. Know that every comment makes my day and helps remind me that I'm not alone. How often I forget...

Peace be with you.

~Juli

ADVENT 09: love ~

2009-12-22T12:00:00.001-05:00

"And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love."

This is the Advent week of love.

To be known and to be loved at our deepest core is something we desperately long for. We work and strive and do our hair and wear the right clothes and try to say the right things and do a little song and dance routine - Do you see me? Do you want to know me? Look over here! ... And we continue this madness long into our relationships, laboring to keep our parent's, our friend's, our lover's attention, toiling to make sure we are worthy of love. We wonder - Do you see me? Do you know me? If you see the reality of who I am will you abandon me? Do you, can you, will you love me as I am?

This world gives us an answer many of us have heard too many times to even know when the bells and whistles production began in the first place. Our hearts have been ripped apart and left unrecognizable. Our value has been thrown away and left to rot. It names us "Not Enough." It called us "Deserted." It says we are "Always To Be Ashamed." We wonder, maybe if we tried something else... And so we start again with the song and dance show, trying frantically to satisfy, to be good enough, to be worthy of someone's love. But it's never enough and the performance never ends.

But there is another story at work if we will stop long enough to hear it, slow down enough to see it, be brave enough to believe it. It is one we hardly want to consider, for if it is not true we may just fall to pieces before our own eyes. But it keeps calling to us. It knows our name. "I see you. I know who you are. I love you," it whispers.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt..." (Jer 30:3, 4)

Could it be? Is it true? Can I really and truly just be... me?

Yes. A thousand times, YES!

"...you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married." (Isa 62:2-4)

Yes! He is coming!

"The LORD has made proclamation to the ends of the earth; Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Savior comes! See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.' They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the LORD; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted." (Isa 62:11-12)

Love is on the way.

We pray:
"Turn around and believe that the good news that we are loved is better than we ever dared hope, and that to believe in that good news, to live out of it and toward it, in love with that good news, is of all glad things in this world the gladdest thing of all. Amen, and come Lord Jesus."
(~from Secrets in the Dark by Frederick Buechner)

ADVENT 09: joy ~

2009-12-16T05:00:00.003-05:00

"Shout for joy to the LORD,
all the earth,
burst into jubilant song with music."
Psalm 98:4

This week is the Advent week of JOY.

Often when you are waiting time can seem an eternity. The newness of the journey has worn off, the excitement of anticipation has lost its glory, and the ordinary things of life have once again filled the monotonous days. It is this wide space that seems a never ending road before you. This is where we find ourselves during Advent - between the already and the not yet. But this week, amidst the stuff of life - the working, resting, being, and moving in the world - we light the candle of joy and we are invited to delight. In the advent wreath the candle of joy is often a different color than the candles for the other three weeks. Interesting, isn't it, that joy would be picked out from the batch and celebrated in and of itself?

Perhaps we get a clue about God's heart for us in this time and space between as we look at Genesis. There we see that He places humanity in the middle of the space He created and named Eden. Eden means "delight" in Hebrew. Isn't that amazing? He doesn't just want us to live a functioning, effective, valuable life - He desires for us to take pleasure in things, to relish in what is good, to enjoy, revel, bask, burst with joy!

St. Bernard said, "Sapientia Sapor Boni." Translated it means - It is wise to savor what is good.

So, in these familiar days between the coming and going, between the hellos and goodbyes, the giving and the getting, the preparing and the resting, between what has been and what will be, we are invited to see something good... to pause... to be present... to celebrate... It is wise to savor what is good.

Enjoy. Treasure. Delight.

Do you taste it? It is good. Do you see it? He is coming. Taste and see!

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for the oppressed.
The LORD is compassionate
and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
Praise the Lord, O my soul.
Psalm 130:1-6, 8, 22

We pray ~ Lord of all things good, we pray that we would delight in the goodness of your creation and celebrate your gift of life as we wait for heaven and earth to meet. May we sing a new song, for you have done great things. May we know a piece of joy in this life, here and now. Amen.

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~Read reflection for the first week of Advent - ADVENT: hope ~
~Read reflection for the second week of Advent - ADVENT: shalom ~

A CLASS, A PROJECT, CHOCOLATE, AND ME ~

2009-12-14T15:59:00.021-05:00

This semester I took a class on "creativity" with the fantastic Reed Arvin. (you should probably go ahead and put one of his best-sellers on your "to-read" list...) When I signed up for the class I had that "I'm slightly terrified to do this" feeling in the ol' gut which is usually a signal that I'm on the right track. I knew it would challenge me and ask hard things of me. I was, quite frankly, a bit terrified at what I might find. Creativity is such a big and scary word. What if I'm uncovered as a fraud and found to be totally NON-creative? Who am I to think I might have something special to offer? So, I walked in armed with pens, paper and more than enough anxiety to keep the counseling world a float on my own.

The first day of class Reed handed out Dove chocolates and we did an exercise in savoring. (We were clearly off to a good start!) Dove puts little notes on the inside of their chocolates. That day mine said, "Believe in yourself." We'll come back to that.

Throughout the semester we talked about what it meant when St. Bernard said, Sapientia Sapor Boni - It is wise to savor what is good. It is not only good to delight in good things - it is wise! We'll come back to that, too.

We had to choose an end-of-the-semester project around our chosen creative discipline. I decided that a major weakness in my painting is that I can't draw. No, really, it's embarrassingly horrendous. How can you paint without knowing how to draw, one might ask. Well, I have no idea... Since the image of the flower has been a powerful metaphor in my life I decided that I would draw flowers all semester long and would conclude with a painting.

All semester long I kept a journal for class recording my thoughts on things we talked about in class, interactions with creative work I was savoring, and lots and lots of agonizing questions about who I am and what the heck I'm doing with my life. Ugh. The wrestling and the analyzing and the grappling. It's enough to make someone go completely crazy. Will I ever know who I am? Will I ever believe it is ok to be me?

Before I knew it the end of the semester was in sight and the class was coming to a close. I had a lot of insightful moments this semester. I now had a freeing definition of what it means to be "creative." I had a bag of tools to assist me in the future. And I had lists of things I love and value, things that inspire me and move me. I even had a few moments of clarity and vision over the last 15 weeks. I would have called the class a success. But then came the Ah-Ha moments. The "I-knew-this-was-going-to-be-important" revelations that you just can't conjure up on your own. They snuck in the very last week of class like those gifts that mysteriously appear Christmas morning - they weren't there when you went to bed but they inexplicably made their way to your house and under your tree with your name on it. I had several particular, unrelated, Ah-Ha moments that confirmed to me that I am, at least, headed in a life-giving direction as I pursue academia - I enjoy what I am doing, I am good at what I am doing, and who I am fits with those things. These were unexplainable gifts.

One last comment from Reed in my journal spoke deep into the madness I often I feel with my agonizing questioning - "You seem wired - to seek, to wonder, to ruminate." Could it be that who I am is not, in fact, certifiably insane? Could it be that who I am and how I operate is actually good?

As I finished up my drawing project I came to see the flower metaphor coming alive once again. (perhaps I should have seen that coming...) I may have been drawing flowers all semester but it was my life I was creating. I was learning to believe that who I am is not a wild and crazy mistake. I was made a certain way and there is a particular, perhaps even special, way that I see the world. Who I am is not just ok - it is good. I was learning to savor that which was most good and most true about me. Sapientia Sapor Boni.

All good stories end up back at the beginning, right? On the last day of class Reed handed out another round of chocolates. Mine read, "Think without boundaries." I love how a class, a project, and chocolate all gave me permission to be me.

ADVENT 09: shalom ~

2009-12-09T16:37:00.018-05:00

"Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me."

~Frederick Buechner

This week is the Advent week of Peace. The Hebrew word shalom is often simply translated as peace but a deeper look reveals that this ancient word means much more than just the absence of conflict. It means completeness, fullness, and wholeness. It means rest, harmony, health and unity. God is whispering - Shalom.

This Advent season we celebrate the birth of Jesus, in whom God chose to so unite Himself with humanity that He became man, and we hope in His promise to come again. With His coming will be true shalom for you, for me, and for the world. But what about the space between, the time of now? I do not believe our waiting is to be still and motionless. I believe it is to be an active waiting.

As it were, shalom is also used as a greeting or farewell. It is used actively in our lives to pass along blessing. Shalom - Hello, peace to you. Shalom - Goodbye, peace go with you. Shalom is ever moving all the while connecting and uniting one to another.

This week the Scriptures invite us to move - Prepare the way. While the fullness of peace is yet to come I believe we are called to actively participate in bringing shalom to the earth - now. We are to prepare the way with words and actions of peace toward each other, toward the earth, and toward ourselves. It might look like a hug for a friend, a smile for a stranger, volunteering, building a house, feeding someone in need, starting a community garden, kissing your child's scraped knee, sharing your school lunch, giving someone a ride, celebrating another. Shalom is an activity we take part in.

In his quote, Frederick Buechner paints a picture of a world in motion with deep connectedness. We are related to each other, we are united to each other, our movements affect one another. Here, on this earth, we live together. Shalom is not dormant, neither is it to be kept to oneself. As Buechner says, our lives our so intertwined that if peace does not belong to you than neither does it belong to me. Peace must be passed, offered, given, and shared as we wait for God who will bring true shalom to all.

This week we wait and we move. We shout - Shalom!

A prayer ~

Direct me, O Lord, on all my doings with your most gracious favor, and further me with your continual help; that in this space between, in all my work begun, continued, and ended I may actively participate in shalom. Amen.

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-Read reflection for the First Week of Advent: longing and hope ~

ADVENT 09: hope ~

2009-12-02T17:00:00.005-05:00

This past Sunday marked the beginning of the season of Advent. Advent simply means coming or arrival. These four weeks before Christmas we mark as a time of waiting. It is a waiting for the God of All to come and dwell with humanity. It is a waiting for all that is most good, and most beautiful, and most true to live wholly and fully on earth. Like Mary, pregnant with the hope of life to birth anew, it is a waiting for the God-man Jesus to arrive. And so, we wait.

This time of year often brings with it a keen awareness of our deep desires for hope, peace, joy, and love. But with that can also come the realities of lives and a world not yet completely filled with those things that we long for most. And so, we yearn.

How long, O Lord, how long?
Psalm 6:3

This week the scriptures echo a desperation and ache so familiar to my own heart. I have, and do, wrestle with the faith that seems to come so easy to so many. And so, I wonder.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Psalm 13:1,2

My heart questions - Have you forgotten me? Have you forgotten us? Will our world be broken forever? Will I be broken forever? And so, I cry out.

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes...
Psalm 13:3

We wait. We yearn. We wonder. We cry out.

And then, in the darkness, there is a glimpse of hope. A light shining in the East, breaking forth into the dust of humanity. A sign in the night that He is coming and with him the star of the morning will rise on earth and in our hearts.

We wait, and yearn, and wonder, and cry out - and we hope in the One Who has come. And Who will come again. And so, we pray.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word, I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

We pray the light of your face shine upon us.
We hope in You.
Amen.

Psalm 130:6,7 and 4:6

BRAIN FREEZE ~

2009-11-23T21:54:00.008-05:00

Sometimes studying theology can leave you (well, me) with a big time brain freeze. It can feel like you've just slurped a big huge cherry icee so fast it gave you a headache - only it's minus the cherry icee. I sort of feel like my mind has been absorbing, and sorting, and thinking, and processing, and arguing, and debating, and then again - absorbing, sorting, etc. My... brain... can't... think... any... more... (KA-POW!) - that was my brain totally imploding on itself.

For example, just take Augustine's little iteration of the memory, understanding, and will as an imprint of the Trinity in the human soul. It goes a little something like this: (it might be more fun it you rap it to yourself - a technique I've tried to master)

"For I remember that I have memory and understanding, and will; and I understand that I understand; and will, and remember; and I will that I will, and remember, and understand; and I remember together my whole memory, and understanding, and will. For that of my memory which I do not remember, is not in my memory; and nothing is so much in the memory as memory itself. Therefore I remember the whole memory." (from De Trin)

Got it? Whew... time to take a nap before... I... KA-POW! (see above)

But I think I ran across my favorite quote of the semester the other day and it offered me a little breathing room amidst the madness of that which is the attempt at trying to study about God:

"It is the sign of a great theologian to know where the boundaries of mystery lie."
~Justo Gonzalez

Ah, yes. I think mystery just doesn't get enough playing time these days. Because, the thing about mysteries is that they are just so darn mysterious. Icee, anyone?

SOUNDING VOICES: The Civil Wars ~

2009-11-11T23:18:00.013-05:00

SOUNDING VOICES - Our voice is one of the most powerful things we have to offer. It is unique to each of us - no one else can offer who you are, your story, or your point of view. But it is often a long, hard, lonely road to believing our voice matters. With this series I'll be posting about people I've encountered who have voices I believe the world needs to hear. It may be an author, a musical artist, visual artist, or any ordinary someone who is doing something simple or extraordinary.

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One of the best things about being a Nashvillian is all of the great new music that is available. I've heard a lot of new stuff but it wasn't until I heard The Civil Wars that I fell in love. We were lucky enough to stumble upon them earlier this summer and Corey and I have been addicted ever since. I was blown away by their soft and slow sound that brings you on a rich and soulful journey. Their combination is ethereal, intense, and deeply moving. Watching The Civil Wars brought tears to my eyes on both live encounters. I've learned to pay attention when those throat-tightening moments show up out of the blue and that's when I knew they were doing more than just playing music.

Joy Williams' voice has a hauntingly beautiful quality that carries you to another place. Together, Joy and John Paul White were able to take me from the reality of my uncomfortable bar stool to a place where the world disappeared and memory and hope danced free. After hearing Poison and Wine I had to gently wipe my eyes and look around to be reminded that I was not alone in that extraordinary moment.

You can check out The Civil Wars HERE where you can listen to their music and download a FREE live album! You simply must listen to Poison and Wine - video below. (I also highly recommend My Father's Father and their version of Sade's Ordinary Love.)

Oh, and they just posted that Poison and Wine is going to be featured in tomorrow night's episode of Grey's Anatomy. The Civil Wars don't even have an "official" album out yet! By this time tomorrow night they are going to be "the big time." And you can say you heard it here first, folks. These two are amazing.

Here's to sounding our voices ~ together.

A NEW TIME ~

2009-10-26T20:42:00.009-04:00

"Stress is often a perverted relationship with time."

John O'Donohue

Dear Time,

Time, oh elusive time... I know our relationship has been strained recently. I'm sure you've felt it too. I've noticed how you've been quick to change the subject and how you never stay in one place long enough to hold a real conversation. But it doesn’t need to be this way. Don’t worry, this isn't one of those awkward sixth-grade break-up letters. Nope. I'm in this thing with you but I think we need to seriously evaluate how we have been treating each other. I don't appreciate your wild and crazy antics, the pressure you pile on me, or the way you steal the one ounce of sanity I've got. And I'm sure you don't appreciate my quick temper, the out-of-the-blue breakdowns, or my bad attitude. And frankly, neither do I. Yet, I believe we can have a healthy relationship that’s full of grace. But it’s going to take some effort on both of our parts. First of all, I want to let you know that I forgive you. I forgive you for making me feel like I need to bow to your every move. I forgive you for making me feel like I belong to you. I forgive you for stealing my joy, my patience, my attention, my sense of worth, and that little slice of sanity I call my own. I just wanted to let you know that I will be taking those things back. However, my true hope is that I would be able to share them with you. I would love for you to help foster these things in me rather than crush them. How would you feel about working together instead of against each other? I no longer want to live in strong opposition to you. I want to embrace you, sweet Time, and live along side you rather than always feeling like I'm running to catch you. I really think we can be in this life together. What do you say, Time? I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Love,

Juli

For Today ~

2009-10-21T00:09:00.002-04:00

BEANNACHT / BLESSING
by John O'Donohue

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you
and invisible cloak
to mind your life.

LIFE IN ART ~

2009-09-02T00:14:00.008-04:00

:: Becoming ::

08/2009

Life is always becoming. A colorful mixture of souls trying to mold and form hopes and dreams into a lived reality. It's a blending of life together with others around us, with God, and with our own true selves. This process can be beautiful, flowing, arduous, messy, mixing, often confusing, maybe dizzying, but always moving, always becoming. We are not alone. Others are doing the same. Creating their canvas, making their way. And the Spirit of the One Who Is moves and blesses as life takes shape and we continue to become who we were meant to be.

HOME ~

2009-08-06T15:50:00.006-04:00

"It all means more than I can tell you. So you must not judge what I know

by what I find words for."
~Marilynne Robinson (Gilead)

Nostalgia is a strange thing. Such a bittersweet taste of memories. A few weeks ago I took a road trip with the awesome Lindsey Mart to her new home in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. (that's Wis-caan-sin) Just being in the Midwest brought back a strange rush of feelings. It was so unexpected, so surreal. There is something about being in the Midwest that feels like home. Probably because it was my home for 21 years. The air is cleaner, crisper, like fresh sheets at the Westin. The grass is emerald green and so plush it begs you go barefoot. And the playful sky whispers an invitation to sit on your porch for the lightning show during a glorious Midwestern thunderstorm. It's just home. I'm not sure I can find the words for it. I just know it.

Out of nowhere, memories of a Minnesota-time-that-once-was were dancing around my mind. Riding my bike around the neighborhood, my daily walks across the mighty Mississippi at the University of Minnesota, driving past the Minneapolis skyline at night, playing cards and sock-wars, laughing. Oh the laughing. The deep down in your gut soul laughter that feels like you are flying. Then the sadness came. I don't know why... well, maybe I do. There are sad memories too. Hard things, heartache, demons I ran from all suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I'm not sure I can explain it. I just felt it.

Now, I'm home again in Nashville. Home. It's so much more than a word for me. I'm not sure I know where home is. My parents don't live in the town (or even the state) I grew up in, I haven't lived in Minnesota for 8 years, South Carolina never quite felt like home, and now I'm in a new place that I know I will be leaving after a few more months. Home.

Home is where I am. Home is being me. But I'm still longing for that place, that space. Still longing for being me. Corey reminded me a few weeks ago that some things are worth crying for. This feels like one of those times. Remembering the beauty of youth, the anguish of growing, the joy of the past, the dreams that were lost and the ones that yet live, the hope for home. I'm not sure I can describe it completely. I just know it is.

:: Coming Home::
04/2009

FUSION ~

2009-08-03T14:59:00.021-04:00

Before I forget and the memory fades, much like it already has, I want to remember the experience I had at the Fusion Art Show this spring. Corey made mention of it on his blog but I never got around to it. Recently I've been hearing a lot of negative voices in my head about being an artist. I've been tentative to pick up a paintbrush over the last year and I think I've fallen in step to the beat of the familiar tune "No, No, No." - "No, no, I can't do it. No, no, I'm not an artist. No, no, what do you think you are doing?" Those aren't the things that I want to believe but they are easier to think true.

I signed up for Fusion last fall and knew I had plenty of time to get some pieces painted and ready for the springtime show. Lots of time, some motivation, no problem. Next thing I knew the show was the upcoming weekend. No new pieces of art. What happened?! I immediately thought about dropping out of the show. I had a lot of things going on and didn't want to deal with one more thing on my plate. Secretly, I think I just didn't want to face the truth of what I felt every time I picked up a paintbrush. I was scared. What if people look at my paintings and laugh? What if they take one look at my art and tell me to go ahead and pack it back up and head on home? Perhaps a bit dramatic, but that was the story I was playing out in my head. However, I made a commitment to myself earlier in the year. This was a time I knew I needed to pull the Yes card on myself, pack up the fears, and go ahead and do it. So what if they laughed in my face... who are these THEYs that keep coming around doing mean things to me anyway??

So, I pulled out the paintings I had finished the previous year, loaded up the car, and put on a bracelet a friend had just given me for my birthday. The bracelet was a sacred reminder that I was loved. Even if they kicked me out due to "bad art" or I heard some snickering around my work I would be able to look down at my wrist and remember the truth - beautiful and wrapped around me with sparkles of love.

At the show I was nervous to walk around and see everyone else's work which would, of course, be nothing but amazing, breath taking, glorious works of art. But something happened when I browsed the large ballroom. I had a bit of a breakthrough - a fusion of heart and mind. As my feet walked and my eyes looked I found my heart saying - "Hey, my stuff isn't that bad. Actually, I think I kind of like my art..." I was reminded that art doesn't have to look a certain way or be a certain thing. And neither did I. I didn't have to fit this imaginary mold I had concocted of what it looks like to be an artist. There I was, exhibiting my paintings along with other artists and something in my heart was fused - I liked my art and for a brief moment in time I believed I was an artist. This simple revelation is something I don't want to forget. I want to remember it wrapped around me in beauty and truth so I can have the courage to believe - I am an artist.

Super Summer Spectacular! ~

2009-07-28T23:06:00.046-04:00

After the craziness of school last semester I thought the summer might bring a little bit of rest and relaxation. I haven't exactly had a lot of downtime, but it sure has been fun!

First, a visit from my parents.

Then a trip to Myrtle Beach, SC with the Kalbaugh Family!

After catching the rays I was able to team back up with Lindsey Mart to shoot a beautiful wedding in Columbia, SC.

After the wedding we headed out on a road trip with sweet baby Henry to the new Mart home in Milwaukee, WI! Henry didn't cry the entire 13 hour drive!

Next, a quick Nashville visit from Winn, Miska, Wyatt, Seth, and Daisy the puppy!

Then, a move across town...

After that, Naty and Sarah braved the moving chaos and showed this town who the real Nashville Cats are!

Then it was off for our East Coast Tour!

First stop - Boston and Fenway Park with Andrew Albers!

And some delicious dessert with Andrew and Sara!

Then a quick jaunt over to New York City and my favorite - candy candy candy!

Next, it was off to Charlottesville, VA where we reunited with good friends. Activities included a pool party, bbq that made Corey and Albers sick, and a viewing of Nacho Libre. It was the beeest!

Next stop - Washington, DC!

A tour of the monuments at night with Erin, Justin, Michael, and Amy.

A look at Mount Vernon with our favorite historian ~ Rachael!

Then it was a quick stop in Richmond with the Elmores before our tour of Duke University and Durham, NC.
Finally, it was back to Nashville just in time for a visit from Melissa and Caroline and yummy Las Paletas!
And... a super duper yard sale!
Throw in a crazy neck injury, a curious spider bite, our 5th wedding anniversary, and a summer class and you've got yourself a Super Summer Spectacular! Whew... and it's not even over yet...

Top 10: MJ's Best

2009-06-28T01:32:00.006-04:00

It's seems like just yesterday I was making up sweet dance routines, turning on the spot lights to our fireplace and dancing away to the beats of the Thriller album. Well, yesterday I was busting a move to MJ but that's not what I was reminiscing about... I know everyone in the world is talking about the one and only Michael Jackson and I'm going to join the club. It seems only appropriate for me to dedicate a Top 5 list to the artist who helped start my love for music, who got me to bust out bad-ass dance moves for the past 31 years and who shaped music like no other. Since the King of Pop is no longer with us I've decided to upgrade the Top 5 to a Top 10. Because, let's be honest, it's no secret that I love MJ's music and I simply cannot keep the list to 5.

Here it is. In order, my Top 10 Favorite Michael Jackson Songs ~

PROJECT: DO SOMETHING BRAVE ~

2009-05-31T12:00:00.004-04:00

Sitting at Starbucks studying one afternoon, slowly basking in my delicioso caramel latte, I had a moment. A needle-scratching, music stopping, noises fading, Zack Morris time-out, high alert moment. Something grabbed my attention.

I was reading along with Karl Barth when I suddenly felt like he was sitting across the table from me. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Listen." He said it with a period but the exclamation was evident in the air. Then he quoted Ulrich Zwingli and the words gave me great pause:

For God's sake, do something brave.

That's when I had the moment. I just sat there. And sat there some more. Have you ever felt like suddenly you've just woken up? I wasn't aware that I was asleep, but somehow I knew that, now, I was awake. Barth went on (this time he actually used exclamation points): "Not feel, or think, or consider or meditate! Not turn it over in your heart and mind! But do something brave." More sitting... If you know me, or if you have read a post or two of mine, you know a bit about how I love to agonize over decisions. Yes, no, in, out, I don't know... I'm getting better at navigating the roller coaster ride but it still makes me want to vomit every now and then.

The Zwingli quote has been camped out on the sidebar of my blog, as well in the back of my mind, since that fateful day. Part of me wishes that I hadn't had to read Barth for one of my classes. Then I wouldn't have run across the quote, I wouldn't be responsible for what I do with it, and I'd still be comfortably sleeping through life. Well, that may be a little harsh but it sure would be easier. I've wondered what exactly this means for me, this "doing something brave." All the thinking quickly found me hopping onto that roller coaster. The excuses started becoming fellow riders and lies the ride operator. After a few loop-de-loops I started silently asking myself - "What does this mean for me today?" And what do you know - today it hit me.

A few days ago I had a quick gchat with my good friend Suzanne. Who, by the way, was named National Young Engineer of the Year. So, I'm chatting with the NYEY (which is a really big deal, I might add) and it hit me. I knew what I needed to be brave about (or at least one thing I need to do). She probably has no idea what I'm talking about, but something hit me as the chattering, in the key of g, went on. So, I'm enacting Project: Do Something Brave. I'm not going to spill the details of my 'doing' quite yet but you can be sure that info will follow (hopefully shortly).

With that said, I direct your attention back up to the quote and send you an invitation, an evite, if you will. What does it say to you? Do you need to join Project: Do Something Brave? It doesn't have to be something grandiose. Although, it could be. I might be something like meeting your neighbor or going for a walk. It might mean saying Hello, I'm sorry, or I forgive you. It might mean less calorie counting, more celebrating, or some rest. Maybe it's running a marathon, perhaps it's making a mistake, or it might be believing in yourself. It will be, however, a saying yes to something you thought you couldn't do. What do you say? Want to give it a try?

That same night, Rilke joined me for a late night date I didn't know I had scheduled. He said, "People have oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of easy: but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult." Sigh. I know, I know, be brave. But it's so hard. It's so scary. But it's so worth it. Deep breath... and step...

Ps. If you decide you would like to join Project: Do Something Brave I'd love to know. Drop a comment, shoot me an email. What you choose to do is up to you but it would be great to be brave together.

*Quotes taken from:
The Call to Discipleship by Karl Barth
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke

SOUNDING VOICES: Winn Collier ~

2009-05-25T22:34:00.016-04:00

I'm starting a series of posts here at Soultide and I'm really excited about it! I've been wanting to do something like this for a while but I hadn't come up with the right idea. But today I did. So here it is.

The series will be called SOUNDING VOICES. Our voice is one of the most powerful things we have to offer. It it unique to each of us, no one else can offer who you are. But it is often a long, hard, lonely road to believing our voice matters. With this series I hope to post about people I've encountered who have voices I believe the world needs to hear. It may be an author, a musical artist, visual artist, or any ordinary someone who is doing something simple or extraordinary. I probably won't post SOUNDING VOICES on any sort of regular schedule, but will when I find someone I'd like to pass along.

Here's to sounding our voices - together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First up on SOUNDING VOICES is a familiar face. Winn Collier. I've mentioned him before, but he's worth mentioning again.

Winn is an author with a fresh voice. A voice that offers hope. He dares to be honest, to wrestle, and to ask hard questions. Winn offers words that are inviting and engaging. He invites you into a conversation and let's you know - we are in this together. It is a rare thing to feel like you are not alone in this fight and Winn makes you feel like like you've got a companion for the journey. And the thing is, I truly believe he is.

His latest book, Holy Curiosity is taking the world by storm. It has made it's way to the UK where the British periodical Christianity Magazine said, "Collier is set to be the new Philip Yancey." Yep, that's right folks. Read the review here. To be fair, I called it early on. Read my own review of Holy Curiosity here.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~Albert Einstein

Winn, thank you for helping me explore my faith, for reminding me my voice matters, for awakening a holy curiosity in my heart, and for being a friend in the darkness. Peace.

For more from Winn check out his blog.

To order Holy Curiosity click here. It's worth checking out.

SIGNS OF LIFE ~

2009-05-21T12:25:00.003-04:00

"You never know what may cause them. The sight of the Atlantic ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you've never seen before. A pair of somebody's old shoes can do it. Almost any movie before the great sadness that came over the world after the Second World War, a horse cantering across a meadow, the high school basketball team running out onto the gym floor at the start of a game. You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are. More often than not, God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and to summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next."
~Frederick Buechner

The following things have brought tears to my eyes this week and have whispered secrets of life stirring. ~

SONNET

Through my life there trembles without plaint,
without a sigh a deep-dark melancholy.
The pure and snowy blossoming of my dreams
is the consecration of my stillest days.

But oftentimes the great question crosses
my path. I become small and go
coldly past as though along some lake
whose flood I have not hardihood to measure.

And then a sorrow sinks in upon me, dusky
as the gray of lusterless summer nights
through which a star glimmers - now and then -:

My hands gropingly reach out for love,
because I want so much to pray sounds
that my hot mouth cannot find...

by Franz Kappos as written in Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband's deep and strong heart that is wrestling well through this thing we call life.
Click here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrea Gibson ~ SAY YES.

Thanks to Jen Lemen for sharing this piece.

NEW SURROUNDINGS~

2009-05-18T23:48:00.017-04:00

"Surrounded by plastic ferns, we will be filled with plastic thoughts." ~Thomas Moore

I think it's true. Environment matters. Beauty matters. What you surround yourself with, fill yourself with, engage your senses with - matters. This is a big reason I wanted to go into interior design and a large reason why, instead, I am going to school to study theology and the arts. I truly believe that good design and good art can be life changing. Now, don't hear me wrong. A million dollar home filled with millions of expensive things doesn't necessarily equal an engaged, fulfilling life. See above quote. Often times, it's the opposite - everything looks great on the outside while it's rotting and dying on the inside. I actually think the reverse is somewhat true for me - you can get a good gauge of how I'm doing spiritually and emotionally by taking a look at the state of my home. If it's clean, it usually means that I'm taking time to care for myself and my home. I'm making space to breathe, rest, connect, and I'm creating an environment of life. If my home is a disaster, you can pretty much bet that internally I'm a mess. It usually means I'm not taking time to slow down. I'm not resting or recharging. It probably means I'm lost in the chaos, scrambling just get by, running fast-paced trying to survive. This begs the question - what am I fostering in my life? What kind of environment am I creating for my soul?

For quite some time I've been desperate to change the background to my blog. Every time I went to post something I felt depressed by the blandness and lack of design. Michael was kind enough to help me get something up to get me started (and he gave me exactly what I asked for) but I had intended to elaborate on it after a bit. Well, a 'bit' turned into 1.5 years. It's a classic Juli-move - lots of thoughts, planning, and thinking - not as much actual doing. I've decided the blogaroo needs a change of scenery. I've felt like I've been coming out of a season of darkness and into a season of spring. So, away with the dark, depressing colors, and in with something new. New surroundings to cultivate creativity and nurture my imagination. I love the new design. It's a fun blend of creativity and structure. It has paint splashes, a flower, and lists! It just fits... and I think that matters.

ps. anyone want to help me figure out how to get the search function to work? :)

BOOM. DONE. ~

2009-05-16T14:43:00.005-04:00

I did it. Somehow, I manged to make it through the last 3.5 weeks with a few ounces of sanity left in the sane-tank, but just barely. I don't know how, but I'm on the other side. Since my last blog post I have written 77 pages for 8 papers, took 3 exams, said goodbye to some precious new friends who moved away, and hosted my parents for a visit. Whew. Now for the crash.

For the last 2 hours I just sat on the couch and stared at the back of my eyelids. I wasn't sleeping, just staring. Comatose. It felt like too much effort to even watch mindless tv. All I could muster was to lay prostrate and look forward. Sweet rest. Recovery. Amen.

STUDY BREAK ~

2009-04-21T10:11:00.009-04:00

I thought I would take a moment to document what lies ahead so that when I come to the end I can look back and say, "Yes, I did it. Somehow I did it."

In the next 2 weeks (exactly from today) I've got the following due for school:

-1 20 page reflection paper
-3 15 page research papers
-4 5 page papers
-2 books to read
-1 presentation

And then when that is finished I'll have 3 mid-terms to take.

When you ask, "How will you accomplish this impossible task?"
I will respond, "I have no idea..."

A REMINDER ~

2009-04-20T14:00:00.001-04:00

Sweet Baby Jeromie sent these my way not too long ago. I ran across the email again today and it was a precious reminder of what I desire in my 'Year of Yes'. Thanks Jero. I needed to hear those words again today.

Yes was the best answer to every question."

~ Frank McCourt, Teacher Man

YES

So I said yes to everything, yes to the green hills

rolling out ahead, yes to the hayfield tied up in rolls,

yes to the clouds blooming like peonies in the sky's

blue meadow, the long tongue of the road lolling

out before me, yes to the life of travel, yes to the other

life at home, yes to the daisies freckling the ditch,

to the sun pouring down on everything

like Vermeer's milkmaid and her endless

jug of milk, yes to the winds that pulled the clouds

apart like taffy, then turned them into a classroom

of waving hands punched into fists: yes yes yes.

~ Barbera Crooker

LENTEN THOUGHTS ~

2009-04-10T18:11:00.011-04:00

This Lenten season has felt long and pretty lonely. I've done my best not to tritely push forward out of the blues into a season of alleluias. It's not quite time, just yet. It's been a season of waiting. Waiting is hard.

I feel like this has been a much lonelier and less intense time than it was for me last year. I have felt pretty disconnected and it has been so much more so without sharing this time with the community of saints we left in that crazy ol' town of Clemson, South Carolina. I miss them. I have felt the awareness of the "void" (to use Corey's vocab) especially this Holy Week. An intense waiting in the darkness. Waiting for the light to come. Waiting can be lonely.

There have, however, been sweet connections with new friends here in this new place - good conversations over coffee, meals, and walks. There have been questions probing deeper than the surface and sharing stories of joy and shame. It has been good. Yes, very good. But friendships take time. Sometimes time seems so long.

I'm reminded that the road between me and each of those friends is holy. We still continue to share in the mystery and sacred story together despite the time and despite the distance - but it sure would be sweet to celebrate face-to-face. And then I wonder... perhaps this longing to be together with those I love is a reflection of the deep desire to celebrate face-to-face with the Holy One who knows me by name... maybe I have been connecting with Lent this season more than I knew as I've been waiting in hope for the One Who Knows Me.

SOUNDS OF SPRING ~

2009-03-31T13:41:00.008-04:00

You thought I was going to write about the birds singing didn't you... well, the birds are a sweet sound in the springtime, but instead, I've put together a little playlist of songs that have been with me this spring. I think it covers some of the ups, downs, questions, and hopes that I've been feeling as I've been traveling the tension between the introspective, contemplative season of Lent and the newness of spring that points toward the life to come on Easter.

So turn it on. And more importantly, turn it up!

Note* the version of Devotion by the Indigo Girls on this playlist does not do the song justice. I highly recommend you check out the album version.

SMELL OF SPRING ~

2009-03-26T23:10:00.000-04:00

Today I spent 5 hours in the library doing research. After feeling like I was about to have a bit of a mental breakdown I decided I would go outside for a bit before my next class. I sat down in the grass and took out a book to read for school. Pause. Then I put the book back in my bag, laid down in the grass and took some deep breaths...

THURSDAY: SMELL

FEEL OF SPRING ~

2009-03-25T15:48:00.004-04:00

WEDNESDAY: TOUCH

Today the rain feels
like a fitting companion.
Water from above
falling in a quiet rhythm
on my humanity.

She wants to know does everyone feel this way
when it rains in the summertime?
~Jump Little Children

TASTE OF SPRING ~

2009-03-24T12:48:00.006-04:00

Last weekend with Melissa and Rachel we got to indulge in a little bit of springtime deliciousness here in Nashville. It's known as Las Paletas. What is this delectable treat, you ask? Well, paleta is the Spanish word for popcicle! But don't let your thoughts of icy, sticky, fake-fruityness on a stick fool you. Las Paletas are far superior. They are amazingly divine goodness made with real ingredients in all sorts of wonderful combinations to get your taste buds hoppin'. For example, you can have a standard strawberry/chocolate (which is fantastic) or branch out for the pineapple/chili, hibiscus, corn, or cucumber/chili. Why have you not had one yet? Most likely because you have not come to visit us. (If we failed to allow you the experience of yumminess on your visit here - it was our ploy to get you back!)

The best part about Las Paletas is that if you don't know about it - you're not going to find it! It's in the corner of a building with no sign. Then, when you walk into the building it's just a person standing behind a freezer full of yummy paletas with a cash register - cash only. It's a no frills, all deliciousness kind of operation that will have you begging for more. Gotta love it.

TUESDAY - TASTE

SIGHTS OF SPRING ~

2009-03-24T00:11:00.007-04:00

This is the first full week of spring and I couldn't be more ready. I love spring in the South. It is a sensual encounter that physically awakens my body reminding me that I'm alive. Since I've been in a winter rut I thought I would do a little series this week on the signs of spring via the senses to help revive my spirit.

MONDAY - SIGHT

My eyes have been aflame watching life firework forth from bursting buds all around. Quietly unfolding, unafraid of their radiating beauty for all to see. Opening wide, embracing the soft breeze and slowly drinking in the rain while watching the rest of spring arrive.

I wonder - what is blossoming in my heart this spring, and in yours?
Where have you seen life unfolding?

WENDING WINTER~

2009-03-16T22:12:00.028-04:00

Is it too much to say, in winter, that I die? Something of me dies at least. - from Godric by Fredrick Buechner

It has been a longer and colder winter than I anticipated here in Nashville and my winter wardrobe rotation that involves the same 3 sweaters is getting tremendously monotonous. There has been a chill in my bones that I haven't been able to shake and I'm starting to think it has made it's way to my core. I feel like I've been in a bit of a hibernation - lots and lots of uninspired sleeping and tired, weary bones, the desperate desire to withdraw from civilization and communication with all living beings, a total lackluster attitude and tiresome spirit that wants to do nothing but sit on my keister and watch whatever mind-numbing reality TV show is alive and kicking. I've felt myself shutting down, stopping the tears when the lump in my throat comes, blocking the emotions not wanting to engage. Ugh. Not much of yes to anything but myself, a sad-sack attitude, and everything I haven't got. I guess that's why they call it the blues, right Elton?

Then I remember - it's about half way through this season of Lent. I've felt pretty disconnected this Lenten season as opposed to such a rich experience during this time last year. Lent gives us the opportunity to engage the darkness within ourselves. But the darkness can be a scary place where danger and the unknown lie lurking. It can be a risky operation - entering the darkness. It's this risk it seems I've been avoiding (see previous paragraph). It's much easier to sleep, dull desire, and strum the blues. To really gaze deep into the looking glass of self and engage with the deeper reality often seems like death. But without that space that is created in death, life has no room to live. Lent allows time for some space and allows God to enter the darkness. It's an opportunity to open my hands rather than desperately clutching to anything and everything I can get my hands on. It's a chance to step out from the hibernation and step into hope. It's an invitation to die in winter so that spring may bring forth new life.

As a man dies many times before he's dead, so does he wend from birth to birth until, by grace, he comes alive at last. ~from Godric by Frederick Buechner

Amen, Godric. May it be so.

:: the looking glass::
2008

A BAD DAY ~

2009-02-17T19:44:00.010-05:00

"Now shift your gaze."
from Godric by Frederick Buechner

Sometimes you just have that kind of a day. A bad day. It all starts when you get up on the wrong side of the bed and put on a pair of pants that are too tight, then you run late and park 2 miles from campus (you might as well have walked from home), turn in a paper that you're not proud of, at this point you have your "cranky pants" on nice and good, then you give the worst presentation in the history of presentations (we're talking the worst), have a policeman call you out of class during your presentation which brings you to a deep panic, find out that when you hurriedly parked that morning (2 miles away from campus) that you accidentally mostly blocked a lady's driveway, it was an honest mistake but she completely freaks out and calls everyone she knows (including the police, county commissioner, Belmont University, and probably the governor), hence the policeman dragging you out of class (did I mention this was during a presentation you were giving?), so you leave your presentation and sprint 2 miles to your car (all the while in high-heels and on the verge of an asthma attack), move your car, return to class and listen to another student read the last page of the last book of the Harry Potter series completely giving away the ending and dashing any hopes you had of possibly reading the books (there was no guarantee you were going to read them but now it seems unlikely), then the attack begins and you start to ask yourself why in the hell you decided to go back to school, you start to question who you are and if you have anything good to offer, you think about the 2 papers you have yet to start that are due tomorrow, and then while you are lost in your own self-loathing and can see nothing but yourself, someone else giving a presentation shows this video...

(be sure to watch at least 1 minute of it)

and suddenly my gaze shifts, the lump in the throat comes, something beautiful is happening, something good, I can't explain it, maybe it's the music, maybe it's the dancing, the people together, the smiles, the reminder that the world is bigger than me, a simple shift in my gaze. Thanks Matt. I needed that.

BACK TO SKOOL ~

2009-02-05T15:41:00.020-05:00

A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.
~Mark Twain

Have you ever been walking along lost in your thoughts (daydreams, to-dos and the like) when suddenly you stop (maybe you forgot something, maybe something caught your eye, maybe you had an idea) and when you stop someone bumps into you because they were walking right behind you? It takes you by surprise but then you realize that it makes total sense - they were right there the whole time but you just didn't see them. That's kind of how I feel like Belmont came into my life.

Last fall I was walking along trying desperately to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I had applied for interior design school and thus, was walking in that direction. However, something just didn't feel quite right. I'm not sure I can explain it but I felt very unsettled about the decision. Now, this feeling isn't abnormal for me. I usually question things to death (I may have mentioned that a time or two...) and was doing my best to wrestle through where these feelings were truly coming from. Then came time to turn in my deposit for school. I walked into the office, handed in my deposit, walked back out to the car and suddenly burst into tears. I don't know where or why this sudden burst of emotion came from but it seemed important enough to listen to. So I took some deep breaths (mostly because at this point I think I was beginning to hyperventilate) and that's when I felt something bump into me.

What came to my mind in that moment was a program at Belmont University that someone had mentioned in passing a few days earlier. Over the next few weeks, the more I thought about it, the more I really felt like this direction fit with who I am and the things I desire to pursue. But then, the agonizing questions starting crowding around trying to see what was going on. Is it worth it? What will I get from it? What will I do with it? One of the issues I wrestled though was the fact that this program would be another undergraduate degree. Yep. Undergrad. Don't you love the images that just popped up in your head when I said that word? I've already got one of those degrees and I wasn't sure I had the courage to do college with the youngsters all over again in my 30s.

Luckily, I have a husband who doesn't get log-jammed by the minutia quite like I do. He confidently encouraged me to pursue this little adventure, asking me not why I would do it, but why wouldn't I do it. There are only a handful of programs like this and one happens to be in Nashville (approx. 1 mile from our house), it happens to be that it will only take me a year (which is our current known Nashville time-frame), and it happens to be an amount we can afford without going into debt. Hmmmm. Coincidence? Divine intervention? Whatever it is - I said yes.

The program is - Religion and the Arts. (really, I think it should be called Theology and the Arts, but that's another story...). The program deals with questions about God and issues of theology as viewed through the lens of the arts, the senses, and imagination. It asks you to think about beauty, culture, meaning, and the incarnation. Two things that I am passionate about are God and art. Not only do I believe that God is crafting an artist in me but He is also beginning to form a vision in my mind about how He can, and is, using the arts to continue His process of redeeming this world. God and art - I would get to learn about them both? Together? Yes.

As of January I am officially a Belmont University Bruin. And totally loving it.

HELL TO THE YES ~

2009-02-01T19:22:00.002-05:00

Now choose life that you and your children may live...
Deuteronomy 30:19

I'm continuing the tradition of choosing a 'word of the year' and my word for this year actually showed up in late November. I sat with it for a while over some green tea. We chatted about what the next year might look like, me and this new word, what I hoped for, what I feared. It was energizing to sit with it for a day or two, but wrestle with it for a whole year? I began to get nervous. What will this ask of me? What might I have to give-up to pursue this? This word was asking me to engage, to desire, and to step outside my comfort zone and act. It was asking me to make a choice. That's when I knew that, indeed, this word would be the backdrop of the coming year. The word is simply - YES.

It all started when I told some friends about an opportunity I was considering. The response was (and I quote) "YES! YES! YES!" I was overwhelmed by the power of this one little 3-letter word and the impact I felt. What if I did say Yes?

This year of Saying Yes isn't about becoming a "yes-man" and doing everything I'm presented with or asked to do. It's about a new posture. It's about being aware. And it's about choice. I don't want to live a life where I am scared to make decisions. Nor do I want the decisions to make themselves because I can't decide. 'Yes' requires that I be fully engaged. That I interact with the world and the people around me. It's about being aware of the options set before me and the choices I am able to make. And maybe sometimes it will mean rephrasing the question. It is however, most certainly, about choosing life, so that I might live.

This year I want to say Yes, to engaging with people in my life. Yes, to celebrating. Yes, to taking risks. Yes, to getting up early and Yes to the morning. Yes, to saying what I want to say. Yes, to simplicity. Yes, to painting. Yes, to turning up the music. Yes, to Sabbath moments, days, and breaths. Yes, to less stuff and Yes to more generosity. Yes, to my own voice. Yes, to making choices, even the hard ones. Yes, to confession. Yes, to lighting candles. Yes, to remembering my story. Yes, to saying thank you. Yes, to God's reality. Yes, to following my heart. Yes.

And so, this year, as much as I can honestly and courageously say it, I simply want to say - Yes. Hell, YES.

In the center of ourselves
you place the power
of choosing.
Forgive us the times
we have given that power away,
when we have sold
our birthright
for that which
does not
satisfy.
And so
in your wisdom
may our yes
be truly yes
and our no
be truly no,
that we may
touch with dignity
and love with integrity
and know the freedom
of our own choosing
all our days.

-Jan Richardson, from Night Visions: Searching the Shadows of Advent and Christmas

JUST THE FACTS - PART II ~

2009-01-29T23:43:00.009-05:00

So, the 25 Random Things About Me list is taking off on Facebook like crazy. Normally I dislike chain letters/forwards and don't even bother to read them (see Just The Facts / Confessions of a Closet Organizer), however, I love lists and I love learning about other people. Therefore, I'm loving this little craze.

For posterity's sake I thought I'd go ahead and put it on the 'ol blogaroo. I took out any that I had on my previous list. Here we go.

Some things just are. Love 'em or leave 'em. These are just the facts.

1. My full first name is Julianne. It is a combo of my dad's middle name (Julian) and my mom's middle name (Anne). My middle name is Marie which was my Grandma Ohms' middle name.
2. People have called me Juli, Jules, Juice, OJ, Little J, J-Mo, Mo, Ohms-burn, Grand-Mac, Sister Mary Clarence.
3. I love pop music. (shhhh...)
4. In high school I played percussion in the band. Timpani was my favorite to play.
5. I've had mono twice.
6. I tore my ACL slipping in the Minnesota snow on a hidden curb at 5am. (There is a funny story about how Naty tried to convince me to 'tough it out' and 'walk it off' even though my knee was as big as a cantaloupe. Also, the docs at the U of MN clinic basically told me the same thing. They handed me some crutches and said 'good luck'. However, my ACL really was really torn.)
7. I love to travel and have been to Canada, Mexico, England, Ireland, Scotland, Italy, China, Hong Kong, Korea, and New Zealand.
8. I graduated from the University of Minnesota with a double major in Marketing and Management with an emphasis in Organizational Development.
9. I don't think George Clooney is good looking.
10. I accidentally ate pig esophagus in Hong Kong.
11. My high school mascot was the Esko Eskomos and I didn't know that you actually spelled Eskimo with an i until at least 8th or 9th grade.
12. I have hypothyroidism which means that my thyroid is under-active and I take a pill everyday to regulate my metabolism.
13. Ross is my favorite 'Friend'.
14. I was 1 of 4 Valedictorians of my high school graduating class.
15. I took dance lessons (jazz, tap, and ballet) for 9 years but then quit to play only sports. I then played volleyball, basketball, and softball. I loved all of it!
16. I'm fascinated with and drawn to monasteries. (I got to spend a weekend at one this past fall and it was amazing!)
17. One of my favorite possessions is a blanket my aunt made for me when I was in 2nd grade.
18. I'm very self-conscious of my bad acne and believe that if it would go away that so would all of my problems and insecurities.
19. I was born in Arkansas, lived in Oklahoma until I was 2, then MN for 21 years, South Carolina for 7, and now live in Tennessee. I will always call MN home.
20. I once ran from the cops when they busted The Big 6 and I painting '96' in the middle of the only intersection in Esko.
21. I've been skydiving.
22. In high school I won the award for "Best Laugh'.

To the best of my knowledge I uphold these facts to be true and accurate.

-See Part 1 - Just the Facts or Confessions of a Closet Organizer

2008: WORDS ~

2009-01-28T04:42:00.010-05:00

Before I move on to blogging in and about 2009 I wanted to review 2008 in words. Words are powerful. They name and create. They speak thoughts into being and connect me to me, and me to you.

My chosen 'word of the year' last year was Immeasurable Joy. I'm not what most people would probably label as a super outrageously joyous person. I'm fairly chill and my face often looks more serious and stern than super smiley. My middle name (Marie) means "bitter" and I live out of that named place where joy gets swallowed more than not. But living last year with the backdrop of Immeasurable Joy brought new life. I experienced great joy last year. However, I don't think it was all simply because I chose that as my 'word of the year'. I wish it were that simple. Rather, I think that it began a process of being more aware and possibly more able to identify and allow the joy to enter instead of run by. I saw many tears come, but yet great joy. I was able to name and identify with joy. I saw her come back to life. Little fragments, tiny glimpses seen and the process of un-naming began. "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Psalm 30:11

I Wordled the Top 10 Words I used last year in my blog. A poem arose.

:: JOYFULLY ::

A year of time
to live and be
joy
around the corner
running but slowing
down to see
God is
and in things
I might know
of life and all that tastes
good and we are
here then gone
like one voice singing
hello and goodbye
yet love
sends forth
all things new
like an invitation,
come.

2009 BOOKS ~

2009-01-01T15:43:00.025-05:00

You can check out my reviews and keep up with me on Goodreads by clicking here.

-Art in Action: Toward A Christian Aesthetic by Nicholas Wolterstorff *****
-The Early Church by Henry Chadwick **
-Why is that Art? by Terry Barrett **
-Engaging God's World by Cornelius Plantinga ****
-A History of Christian Thought Vol I: From the Beginnings to the Council of Chalcedon by Justo L. Gonzalez ****
-The Last Lecture by Randy Pauch ****
-Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris ***
-The Writing Life by Annie Dillard ***
-The Substance of Things Seen: Art, Faith, and the Christian Community by Robin Jensen ****
-Between the Dreaming and Coming True by Robert Benson *****
-Living with Contraditction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality by Esther de Wall *****
-The Echo Within: Finding Your True Calling by Robert Benson *****
-Digging In: Tending to Life in Your Own Backyard by Robert Benson ****
-The Wisdom of the Desert by Thomas Merton ****
-(re-read)Living Prayer by Robert Benson *****
-An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor ***.5
-Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner *****
-Saving Grace by Lee Smith ****
-Chasing Francis by Ian Morgan Cron **
-A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving ***
-Gilead by Marilynne Robinson *****
-Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Caroll ***
-Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard **
-Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke ****
-The Bell by Iris Murdoch ****.5

-The Mosaic of Christian Beliefs: Twenty Centuries of Unity & Diversity by Roger E. Olson ****

-The Apostles' Creed for Today by Justo L. Gonzalez ****
-The Call to Discipleship by Karl Barth ****
-Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore ****
-On Christian Liberty by Martin Luther ***.5
-The Shack by William P. Young **
-To a Young Jazz Musician: Letters From the Road by Wynton Marsalis *****
-Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O'Donohue ***.5
-Lord Save Us From Your Followers: Why is the Gospel of Love Dividing America by Dan Merchant ****
-The Road by Cormac McCarthy *****
-Crossbearer: Memoirs of Faith by Joe Eszterhas **
-Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding ***
-On the Incarnation by St. Athanasius *****
-Jesus Made in America: A Cultural History from the Puritans to the Passion of Christ by Stephen J. Nichols ***
-Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris ****
-Sabbath by Wayne Muller *****
-Overcoming Life's Disappointments by Harold S. Kuchner ***
-Culture Making by Andy Crouch ****
-Godric by Frederick Buechner *****
-Imagine: A Vision for Christians in the Arts by Steve Turner *****
-Beholding the Glory: Incarnation through the Arts edited by Jeremy Begbie **

***** = Loved it! Wanted to re-read it as soon as I finished! Highly recommend.
**** = Great book. Really liked it! Would recommend.
*** = Average rating. Didn't love it. Didn't hate it.
** = Eh. I struggled through it. Would not recommend.
* = Did not like it. Wish I would have used my time doing something else.

2008: MOVIE OF THE YEAR ~

2008-12-31T17:00:00.001-05:00

And the award for the Juli Kalbaugh 2008 MOVIE OF THE YEAR goes to... Burn After Reading*.

Please note the asterisk. I didn't watch many movies this year and I didn't keep track of the ones I did watch. I mean, who actually keeps track of things like that besides someone like me who makes lists just to make them?? (Cuckoo!) Anyway, I wanted to do a Movie Of The Year award this year but had a difficult time coming up with the winner. I chose Burn After Reading because I can't remember the last time I laughed so much and so hard in a movie theater - I was in full belly hysterics with tears and all. Rotten Tomatoes describes the movie as one where "characters make the most outlandishly moronic moves to devastating consequences simply by adhering to true human behavior". It's a Coen Brothers film, so it's a bit dark (i.e. 'devastating consequences') with random humor (i.e. 'true human behavior' at it's best). I'm not sure that if I watched it again that I would laugh as much or like it as much which is why I'm giving it the asterisk. I'm giving it the award simply because I cannot come up with another winner but don't truly feel like this earned the mark for the record books. (Think Barry Bonds... we all know he physically hit the most home runs but we also know he doesn't deserve to have the title.)

Since the award has an *, and just for fun, I'm going to go ahead and list my Top 5 Favorite Movies of all time.

TOP 5: FAVORITE MOVIES
5. Everything Is Illuminated
4. Garden State
3. Amelie
2. High Fidelity
1. Dead Poets Society

2008: BOOK OF THE YEAR ~

2008-12-30T19:38:00.012-05:00

The award for the 2008 Juli Kalbaugh Book Of The Year goes to... Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Eat, Pray, Love was the first book I read in 2008 and it stayed at the top of the list all year. It set the tone for the year by helping me open up some of my emotional baggage and breathing life into those dark places. Elizabeth Gilbert writes in such a way that you feel like you are with an old friend and she reminds you that you are not alone in your thoughts and struggles. I connected with her vulnerability, her honest wrestlings, and her battle through self-discovery. I laughed out loud at her witty humor and hilarious tales from wonderous foreign lands, and cried along with her as I connected with deep places of hurt, loss, and frustration. Her spiritual journey has been criticized by some but I loved exploring faith with her, doing my best to take God out of the middle-class, white, Western world box I see him in. She captured my heart as I journeyed along with her and she, too, along with me.

Here is a list of all the books I read this year. I know I don't even come close to reading the amount of books that some people do, (i.e. Miska, Liz, and Amy) but I'm happy to have averaged over one a month including the epic task of finishing Anna Karenina (which should count for at least 3). And for the most part I really liked all the books I picked up. The star ratings are as follows:

***** = Loved it! Wanted to reread it as soon as I finished! Highly recommend.
**** = Great book. Would recommend.
*** = Good. Didn't love it. Didn't hate it.
** = Eh. I struggled through it but enjoyed some parts.
* = Did not like it. Wish I would have used my time doing something else.

-Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia - Elizabeth Gilbert *****
-Life Together - Dietrich Bonhoeffer ****
-Love In The Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ****
-The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare - G.K. Chesterton ****
-Reaching Out: Three Movements of the Spiritual Life - Henri JM Nouwen ****
-Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art - Madeleine L'Engle (re-read)*****
-Let God: The Wisom of Fenelon - Winn Collier *****
-Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church - N.T. Wright *****
-Love Walked In - Marisa de los Santos ****
-Portofino - Frank Shaeffer *
-I Am One of You Forever - Fred Chapell **
-Listening Prayer - Leanne Payne ***
-Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith - Anne Lamott ****
-Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith - Anne Lamott *****
-The Highly Sensitive Person - Elaine N. Aron ***
-The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy, and "Women's Work" - Kathleen Norris ****
-Holy Curiosity -Winn Collier *****
-Anna Karenina -Leo Tolstoy *****
-All New People -Anne Lamott ****
-A Wrinkle In Time -Madieline L'Engle *****

I keep up with my books on Goodreads.com. It's a great way to keep up with what you have read and what you'd like to read, see what your friends are reading, and get book recommendations from your friends. Check out my profile here if you'd like.

2008: ALBUM OF THE YEAR ~

2008-12-29T19:42:00.011-05:00

It has come once again - the end of a calendar year. 2008 is making its last appearance before it slips away into the history books, waving as it goes. I love this last week of December, this space between the remembering and the resolution-ary dreaming. I especially love the 'best of' countdowns. I'm a sucker for a good countdown - if it's being counted down I'll listen, I'll watch, I'll have to know what will be number one!

I, myself, love to make my own Top 5 lists. There is something so freeing to me about choosing something to be my favorite. I think it's because I'm such a processor and I often make normal decision making agonizingly painful. Corey reminded me today how much I love a dead horse. I will ride it, beat it, revive it, and even try to teach it new tricks. When it comes to making an important decision I love to ask and re-ask... and hash and re-hash... I simply cannot get off the merry-go-round. So, to be able to make a Top 5 list or pick my favorite is a great exercise for me. It's ok to choose.

So, I will begin a small post series of 2008 favorites with the infamous Album Of The Year Award. Andrew Loy began the great feat of choosing his favorite album of the past year and I jumped on that train circa 2001. So here it is...

2008: Album Of The Year ~ Between the Dim & the Dark by Jump Little Children (2004)

My album of the year choice doesn't necessarily have to be an album that came out in that year. Between the Dim & the Dark became a steady friend this past year accompanying me on road trips, daily drives to work, lonely nights, and evenings with friends. Along with an alluring album name that fits the space I love to call home, the musicality draws me in no matter what my mood, and Jay Clifford's smooth voice melts the airways. Each song is great as a stand-alone but marvelously strung together the album brings you along a cool, sultry journey you must sing-along to.

Music also has the ability to transport me to a different time and place and this album holds many great memories.... 6 friends singing along on the way to a ski trip, driving along the beaches of Charleston with Corey, traveling to Athens to hear Jay Clifford sing the sweet melodies, blasting it through the speakers while painting for my first art showing, memories of a small town in South Carolina where life happened...

Congratulations Jump Little Children, you have received the Juli Kalbaugh 2008 Album Of The Year Award. Thank you for inspiring me with your words and sounds, and for giving life to that space I often find myself in.

ADVENT: Peace ~

2008-12-10T20:28:00.012-05:00

You can always begin by lighting a candle. ~Anne Lamott

Advent is a time of waiting. A time of entering into the dark, winter season where mystery awaits. This week we light the candle of peace in the darkness.

One of the things I miss most about my time and community at DCF is the passing of the peace. Each Sunday morning we took time to recognize that Jesus was among us. We offered each other a sign of peace. This was more than a greeting, more than saying 'hi' to your neighbor, more than telling a stranger your name and then awkwardly standing there with nothing to say. Although all of those elements may have been present in those moments, the passing of the peace was about more than me. It was about something bigger, someone bigger. A moment to acknowledge the living God in me and the living God in you. Peace. I see who you are. Peace. I see God in you. Peace. If even for only this one moment, I see. Peace.

This past Sunday the liturgy spoke a message of movement amidst the waiting - Prepare the way of the Lord. A motion in the darkness. I believe the passing of the peace is an active part of this season of waiting. It may look like a hug, a smile, a gift, perhaps the words 'peace to you' or even 'I'm sorry', or, if nothing else, maybe the act of lighting a candle in the darkness. When God is in the center of your movement the path is being paved, the way is being prepared for the one who brings life. May peace go with you this Advent season. May you see, even if only for one quick moment. Peace.

O God, whose light divides the day and the night and turns the shadow of death into the morning; guide my feet into the way of peace. Amen.

*Painting above: ~ADVENT: PEACE~ by Juli 12/10/08
**Thank you to Not My Brother productions for providing the soundtrack while I painted.

THE WINNER IS... ~

2008-12-10T13:05:00.007-05:00

Thank you to all who participated in the first Give-Away here on Soultide! What fun it was!

The winner of a free copy of Holy Curiosity by Winn Collier, drawn at random with official surveillance by the Accounting Team of Kalbaugh & Kalbaugh is...

...SARA! Sara heard about the contest from Sabrina (so thank you Sabrina!). Shoot me an email with your address, Sara, and I'll send the book to you! (julikalbaugh@gmail.com) Congratulations!

There's still time to put the book on your Christmas list, buy it for all your friends, brothers, sisters, and great-aunts, or you can even just pick it up for yourself. If for no other reason, do it For The Sweet Love Of God.

Purchase the book at Amazon for only $10.39!! - use this link.

Be sure to keep up with Winn at www.winncollier.com.

Thanks, everybody! Until next time - may you dance to the rhythm of your own soultide...

GIVING AWAY CURIOSITY ~

2008-12-02T13:16:00.027-05:00

It's time for our first GIVE-AWAY here on Soultide and I'm stoked! I'm giving a way a copy of Winn Collier's latest book HOLY CURIOSITY: Encountering Jesus' Provocative Questions.
Read on ---

There is nothing more human, more honest, more inviting to friendship than a good soul-opening question. [pg.21]

Curiosity may have killed the cat but perhaps it's lack of curiosity that kills the soul. I question and wrestle with a lot of things - like every decision I've ever made, who I am, who God is. (But I think my questioning is more about wanting to 'get it right' than true curiosity.) Part of what I love about Winn is that he's a wrestler, too. He allows you space to explore and wonder. He's also not afraid to get messy with you. He's not scared to admit he struggles with faith, doubt, and shame. Really? Me too!

In Holy Curiosity, Winn leads you to a Jesus you may not have previously known. A Jesus who challenges you to honesty, to hope, to life. Winn explores Jesus' questions that cut right to the core of who you are. You might be surprised to find that the questions push more toward be-ing than knowing, more toward honesty than religiosity, and his questions urge us out of our self-absorbtion and pull us into something bigger. [p. 17] Holy Curiosity and Jesus' questions will not leave you in your smallness. [p14]. They will call you out into the wild open... ...to truly live [p13] as you encounter a Jesus who is real, who is strong, and who is isn't afraid of who you are.

Winn embraces mystery and doesn't try give trite answers or right answers or sometimes, even any answers. Finally, someone who doesn't know it all and isn't afraid to say "I don't know. That's really hard." Thanks, Winn, I feel like I can breathe.

Part of being human is discovery, being open to the fresh life always possible just around the bend. [p.77] I believe Winn has a voice of hope and passion in a world full of despair and condemnation. It's a voice I believe the world needs to hear.

HOW TO WIN:
1. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post before noon next Wednesday
2. A winner will be drawn at random next Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at 12:00pm CST
3. Winner will be announced here on Evening Soultide. Be sure to check back!

WHAT IF...:
-...You're not interested in this book. --No worries! Why not leave a comment and see if you win - it's FREE! If you win, I challenge you to just read the first chapter. Be curious...
-...You already have a copy. --No worries! Leave a comment in support of Winn anyway! If you win you can give this copy away!
-...You don't know who I am or how you got to this site. -- No worries! As soon as you leave a comment you will no longer be a stranger. Hello, there.
-...You are Winn Collier. --You can leave a comment but you are disqualified from winning. Sorry.

MORE WAYS TO ENTER:
-If you write about Winn's book or this give-away on your blog and put a link on your post to my blog I will enter your name in 2 MORE TIMES!! (just be sure to let me know in your comment)
-Tell all your friends! If your friend(s) leave a comment and say they heard about this from you, you get ONE MORE ENTRY per recommendation!!

MORE WAYS TO WINN:
-www.winncollier.com
-buy the book at Amazon for only $10.39! (click here)

Let's see if we can't shake things up a bit here at the Tide! Good luck!

SOULTIDE ~

2008-12-01T17:11:00.024-05:00

tide: Pronunciation: \ˈtīd\
noun
1: a space of time or season
2: a favorable occasion; an opportunity
3: a stream; a current of things or emotions
4: an ecclesiastical anniversary or festival wintertide, Christmastide>

EVENING SOULTIDE ~ it just came to me one day. It just sat down in my lap and said hello. It felt right. So I wrapped my arms around it and called it mine. A festival of all that I am.

Evening is the color of the soul. ~Big Head Todd and the Monsters

I love the quiet beauty in the quicksilver of evening. The sky is full of radiant colors bursting forth in fires of praise. The moon and stars begin to peak through the darkness echoing wonders of beyond. And there is one quick moment - it only lasts but a brief second - when the time is just right. The colors of the earth are so vibrant and vivid you'd swear you were in a dream. Have you seen it?...

Evening is also the time of day that brings you toward rest, which I am learning to relax into. It's a chance to look back on all that was and look toward all that is to come with the dawn of a new day.

Somehow myself survived the night/And entered with the Day... ~Emily Dickenson

I think I'm starting to get used to the natural rhythms of my soul. Once I settled into the fact that I tend to lean toward the darkness I realized that I am actually ok. It's part of who I am. Some days feel darker than others, but recognizing the rhythms and has helped me to learn how to deal with the "crazies" that often make me feel like I should be institutionalized. The crazies don't come by surprise as much any more. I'm learning to speak with kindness into that stream. This is a good start, I think. There's a lot to be said about learning to flow with my own tide, the space that is me. Deep breaths are good, long runs too. It's all a part of my journey to celebrate both the ebb and the flow. I do wish there was a little less ebb and a little more flow, but that seems to be part of my tide.

Sunday marked the beginning of the Liturgical year. A new beginning. I think I feel a change coming. A shift in my soultide.

~ SOULWELL ~
2007

ADVENT: Hope ~

2008-11-30T18:57:00.017-05:00

The only thing faith and hope do not give us is the clear vision of Him Whom we possess. We are united to Him in darkness, because we have to hope.
~Thomas Merton

I live my life somewhere between the dim and the dark most of the time. My soul slants toward the darkness being pulled by mystery - that thin line between beauty and death that poets and artists seem to know best. The thing about the dark is that you can't see clearly. You are forced to use your other senses. It has been here, through the dim light, that I believe I have begun to truly see. I must listen to the music of the quiet, dance with the rhythm of silence, and embrace the wondrous colors of the deep. In darkness I must trust. I must hope.

Light cannot see inside things.
That is what the dark is for:
Minding the interior,
Nurturing the draw of growth
Through places where death
In its own way turns to life.
~an excerpt from "For Light" by Irish poet John O'Donohue from the book
To Bless the Space Between Us (a book of blessings)

Today is the first day of Advent, which means coming or arrival. As we look toward the hope offered through the Incarnation of Jesus I wait in anticipation for the One Who Is Light to come again. Until then, I will continue to find my way in the darkness, holding the hands of all those I find are with me along the way.

Almighty God, give us all grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light, now in the time of this mortal life, in the space between the dim and the dark where we have to hope. Amen.

~ ADVENT: HOPE ~
11/30/08

JUST THE FACTS ~

2008-11-19T23:57:00.012-05:00

or CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSET ORGANIZER.

Some things just are. Love em or leave em. These are just the facts.

-I don't like seafood, cilantro, or beets

-If you post on your blog more than once a day I'm not going to read them all
-I secretly love watching Dancing With The Stars
-I believe Michael Jackson is truly the "King of Pop"
-If you send me email forwards, I'm not going to send them on (and probably don't read them...)
-I love all things dance and secretly wish I had pursued a career as a dancer
-I am absolutely terrified of physically birthing a child
-I love spreadsheets and making lists
-I was obsessed with KNOTB growing up and Jordan was my favorite (my bedroom may or may not have been covered with posters and other paraphernalia...)
-I have 4 tattoos
-I love school
-I have to wear long pants when I'm sleeping (I don't like my legs to touch)
-I drink my coffee with LOTS of cream and sugar
-I love that I spell Juli without an e and secretly think it's way cooler than spelling it with an e
-I hate my handwriting
-While pitching in high school softball I beaned a few people on purpose (they may or may not have deserved it)
-Wet paper makes me gag (it's complicated...)
-I don't think the tv show The Office is really funny
-I like to look at people's shoes when they are walking up for communion at church (especially if I have an isle seat)
-Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark

To the best of my knowledge I uphold these facts to be true and accurate.

THE FINISH LINE ~

2008-11-10T17:33:00.010-05:00

The Goals:
~Run 13.1 miles
~Don't walk
~Don't puke or pass out
~Don't get beat by Michael (who didn't train)
~Finish with Amy
~Be happy with whatever time I get (but honestly, if I finished over 2hr 30min I was going to be disappointed)

A week before race day I went out to run 6 miles. After 3 grueling, awful miles my body said 'no more' and I stopped. I walked home in utter defeat and told Corey I just had 'the worst run ever' as I violently threw down my ipod. The rest of the week wasn't too much better. My body was tired, I had an emotionally disastrous week, race day was coming fast, and sadly, Melissa couldn't come as planned. Things weren't looking so good.

But when I woke up at 6:00am on race day and actually felt awake, I knew it was going to be a good day. My body knew what needed to be done. It had begged me to rest it all week long and I did - now it was time to run a 1/2 marathon.

Running in a park through the artistry of fall leaves, listening to music invigorate my muscles, and running side-by-side with a good friend was a glorious way to spend a Saturday morning. I felt good.

As Amy and I crossed the finish line together after 2:20:31 my emotions were strong. I always get emotional at the start and finish of a race. Looking forward to all that could be, looking back on all that was. Maybe it's the romantic in me, perhaps the wanna-be poet, but surely it is the reminder of all things good. We did it.

~Thank you Amy for tricking me into running the race and for running side-by-side with me not only 13.1 miles but for 7 hard years in Clemson.
~Thank you Michael for not beating me and for always turning an ordinary event into an extraordinary adventure.
~Thank you Corey for the high-5s, all the love, and for always being my biggest cheerleader.

Chickamaugua Battlefield 1/2 Marathon

-My 2nd 1/2 marathon
-Chip time: 2:20:31
-Pace 10:43
-Finished 460 of 671 runners
-Finished 26 of 45 in my age group (Female 30-34)

A DAY AT VANDY ~

2008-10-31T13:40:00.004-04:00

"No grades at stake, gentlemen. Just take a stroll."

~Robin Williams as John Keating in Dead Poets Society

TOP 5: INFLUENTIAL BOOKS ~

2008-10-23T22:22:00.022-04:00

I've been doing quite a bit of reading as of late. And I love it. I haven't had my nose in this many books since my "Nancy Drew phase" in 5th grade. (Oh, who am I kidding. It wasn't a phase - I love Nancy Drew!) Some have been like sitting with an old friend, some have quenched my soul, a few have asked hard questions, and a couple have been a little disappointing. There are so many wonderful books out there that sometimes I get anxious thinking about it. I mean, there is only so much time in a lifetime and way more books than I could possibly ever get my eyes on. The pressure! Ok, well, maybe I'm just a teency bit crazy but what's worse than trudging through a whole book that you don't like? 3 hours at the DMV to get your Tennessee license, that's worse. But I digress.

Here are my Top 5 Most Influential Books. This list isn't necessarily my top 5 favorites, but rather the books that have most changed the way I view life, live life, and interact with the world, God, and myself. I'm also not stating that if you were to read these books that they would impact you in the same way. But at the time that I read them they hit me and they changed me.

TOP 5: INFLUENTIAL BOOKS

5. Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church by N.T. Wright

~This book totally changed my view of life here and now - what we do matters right now! N.T. Wright challenges the Western view that Heaven is a place we will 'escape' to. Rather, the true biblical view involves God redeeming the earth - and we are a part of this work!

"What you do in the present - by painting, preaching, singing, sewing, praying, teaching, building hospitals, digging wells, campaigning for justice, writing poems, caring for the needy, loving your neighbor as yourself - will last into God's future. These activities are not simply ways of making the present life a little less beastly, a little ore bearable, until the day when we leave it behind all together (as the hymn so mistakenly puts it). They are part of what we may call building for God's kingdom." [p 193]

4. Prayer by Richard Foster

~This transformed my view of prayer and what I thought that both it and I had to look like.

"Healthy prayer necessitates frequent experiences of the common, earthy, run-of-the-mill variety. Like walks, and talks, and good wholesome laughter. Like work in the yard, and chitchat with the neighbors, and washing windows. Like loving our spouse, and playing with our kids, and working with our colleagues." [pg XII]

3. Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle

~"All goodness comes from and reflects God." I believe this to be true - that every piece of art, every word of kindness, every gift given, every good work done is a reflection of the Gospel. This book expanded my small view of God.

L'Engle believes, "Basically there can be no categories such as 'religious' art and 'secular' art, because all true art is incarnational, and therefore 'religious'." [pg 25]

2. The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

~This book affects decisions I make daily on how I spend money, why I spend money, and how I choose to live my life. Ramsey's statistics are shocking (i.e. 90% of people in our culture by things they can't afford [pg 5]) and he makes you take an honest, hard look at your finances. Because of Dave, Corey and I are DEBT FREE!

1. The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

~No other book has helped me connect the true desires of my heart and allowed me to explore the importance of my own story. It brought to life God's story that has always been - that He is pursing my heart (and yours).

"Indeed, if we listen, a Sacred Romance calls to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We've heard it in our favorite music, sensed it at the birth of our first child, been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of a sunset on the ocean. The Romance is even present in times of great personal suffering: the illness of a child, the loss of a marriage, the death of a friend. Something calls to us through experiences like these and rouses and inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty and adventure. This longing... ...fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive... And the voice that calls to us in this place is none other than the voice of God" [pg 6-7]

What books have most influenced your life?

SWEET AND SOUR ~

2008-10-17T00:15:00.004-04:00

"Where have all my friends gone
They've all disappeared"
~Jayhawks

Ok, well perhaps they haven't quite disappeared but I don't live by any of them any more. When I heard this song today I kind of laughed at how true it felt and then cried because I felt that truth.

I've been hearing a quiet knock at my door the past few weeks. I've done my best to ignore it and even try to shoo it away. "Sorry! Nobody's here! Try next door!" But I knew who it was - it was Loneliness making himself known. He's not a terrible guy. In fact he's got a comforting smile and an alluring presence. So I went ahead and let him in and have been sitting with his unsocial, reclusive, and soury self. Just me and Loneliness kickin' it Nashville style.

Last weekend I found food for my soul. Dubbed DrewK8 - friends from Clemson collided in Knoxville with my heart bursting brighter than the Sunsphere.

I was able to relax and just be me. I laughed and cried and squeezed my friends so hard hoping that maybe they would permanently rub off on me. The caramely taste of true friendship. Is anything so sweet?

Recently I haven't wanted to enter into the hard work of community, to make the effort of small talk, to start at square one and have to explain who I am to a stranger and why I'm worth their time. So, instead I've been spiraling into self. This is not a place I hope to stay much longer but I can't seem to find the door out. And the reality of my empty house and unfamiliar street isn't helping.

Funny enough the next song on the radio was the Grateful Dead singing "I will get by. I will survive." I know I will. But today I just feel like I don't want to without my friends. I miss them.

1/2 Marathon, Basketball, and 30

2008-10-09T11:31:00.012-04:00

Part 1 - 1/2 Marathon

I'm officially signed up for the Chickamaugua Battlefield 1/2 Marathon in November. The best part is that I found out I was running it when I was talking to a friend who had said that another friend told her I was running it. I don't actually ever remember giving my official 'I'm in' but since word was out that I was running it I decided I couldn't let the fans down. Even though it was a few weeks later than I would have liked to start my training I thought I would at least give it my best Kalbaugh Try. Plus, there was no way I was going to let Amy and Melissa, newbies to the 1/2 Marathon world, cross the finish line without me. Nothing like a good challenge and a goal to get me going.

Part 2 - Basketball

So, due to said 1/2 Marathon sign-up I decided that it would be a good idea for me to add a little spunk to my training, this involves attending a class at the Vanderbilt rec center twice a week called the 'Total Body Workout'. Why not? I've got a body that's totaled and it's certainly out of work. What I didn't know was that I was headed to basketball practice, except we don't play basketball. We run sprints, do shuffle slides, jump rope, run through a floor ladder with high knees and the whole bit... I'm still trying to catch my breath.

It also just so happens that the other day I ran across this picture circa 1995. In the pic I am celebrating our victory that sent the Esko Eskomos to the Minnesota State Basketball Tournament! I can hear the crowd cheering even now - 'Ohms for 3!' and my basketball coach yelling my first and last name together like they are one word - 'JULIOHMS!' Aren't the double braids and knee-high striped socks awesome!?

Part 3 - 30

At said basketball practice without the basketball there are only a few of us brave enough to endure such a feat. The other day some of the college girls were surprised to find out I was married (despite my wedding band) and asked how old I was. With a loud laugh I said '30'. The jaws dropped and they looked at me like I had suddenly become a large green monster. 'Wow!' they said. 'Yep', I said. Silence... ... ... I guess the fact that I'm the only one who has almost passed out didn't give me away. Maybe it's my adult acne that makes me look young...

At 30 there are things I miss about being younger - like how my body operated much more smoothly and without as much whining as it does now and I even miss basketball practices. Oh how I do miss the excitement I see in that picture from 13 years ago. Some days I feel like I know more of who I am and some days I feel like I know less of the girl who wore #12 in the blue and gold. But, I guess, all of it is me.

JUMBLED ~

2008-09-27T17:24:00.006-04:00

Today I'm feeling a bit jumbled inside. All sorts of things dashing around, bumping into each other... It's making my neck tense and my mind a mess. Maybe it's just the caffeine from my caramel latte that didn't actually have any caramel. Maybe it's Phase 4 - Loneliness. Or, perhaps, something new is trying to make it's way out...

I thought I'd do a little WORDLE to see what's been stirring in me these past 9 months and 25 blog posts... Here are the top 100 words I have used.

I think I'm going to go for a run to let the madness have a little room to breathe...

"I’m lookin for life, love and laughter
Everything in between and what happens after"
~Donavon Frankenreiter

(You can do your own WORDLE at www.wordle.net)

WANTED ~

2008-09-21T17:55:00.009-04:00

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?

-She is wanted in 3 states on account of wrongful frowning, illegal use of worry, and bad hair.

-She was last seen wearing her cranky pants, carrying around a lot of baggage and taking herself too seriously.

-The suspect has been known to comply if given a tall caramel latte with whip cream.

What you are looking at is my very first attempt at a self-portrait. I'm taking an art class at one of the local art schools and the first day we did some 'pre-instruction' drawing that included the horrendous self-portrait. Mine is terrible.

After I settled into the fact that I would be the youngest person in the class by 20 years and got adjusted to the fact that this might not be quite what I was expecting I began to wonder why I was sitting there. What was I doing here again?? I quietly reminded myself that I was there because I want to explore art. I want to explore what art has for me and what I have for art.

The older German woman instructing the class wasn't what I envisioned, but I was suddenly glad she wasn't a 40-something hipster with dark glasses and stylish retro/modern clothes. Her accent was charming and her spirit was light. As she spoke to the group of beginners she began to share how she hopes that we will learn how to see. To not see as we have always seen. To stop our minds from making assumptions about how things look, work, and feel. To retrain ourselves to see the truth in what we are looking at.

As I started sketching the familiar but strange individual in the mirror I began considering how I really view that person. Recently, in all my alone-time, I have come face-to-face with that self and it has caused a bit of an anxiety attack. Shame has been hanging out like dreaded dark circles and guilt is attaching itself like an ugly wart. I don't think those things are the reality of who I am but they sure do distract me with their frequent and catchy song and dance. I am reminded of what my friend Mindy recently told me. She said I needed to "change the record I was listening to in my head". Retrain my mind. See Truth.

I chose not to smile during the drawing exercise. Honestly, I thought it would be easier to draw my mouth without teeth. But I wonder how often I choose not to experience joy because I am focusing on the dark circles and warts. It is easier, familiar and what I know. Wow. There seems to be quite a bit more work to be done with this self-portrait. Like Anne Lamott said - This, people, "is an inside job".

Sigh. Maybe I'll start weekly sessions with my therapist again. (I've always wanted to say that - my therapist - it makes me sound important and at least makes it seem like I'm trying to get my shit together) But for now I think I'll continue to take the art class, try to be more kind to myself, and maybe even work on smiling a little more.

This morning I was reminded of Jesus' invitation - Come, all who are weary and heavy-laden. Wait... that sounds like me. I am wanted.

PHASE 3 ~

2008-09-15T16:30:00.005-04:00

Here I am. I have now been a resident of Nashville for 1 month and 5 days and I am officially navigating what I'm calling Phase 3 of my move. Let me recap.

Phase 1 - Mourning lasted quite a long time for me. For months I tried to process through all I had learned, loved, and lost in Clemson. The tears flowed easily over these long months as I geared up to let go of that people and place. Phase 2 - Panic then quickly set in the week of the move. A heightened sense of reality, loss, and 'What the hell are we doing?' surged through my body like I was hooked up to an adrenaline IV. Trouble sleeping, high anxiety, nervousness... your basic panic symptoms ran high during Phase 2.

Now, I'm settling into Phase 3 - The Crash/Feeling Lost. Well maybe it's Phases 3 and 4... but I'm gonna go ahead and lump them in together just for fun. For the first two weeks we were here I was up at 7:00am ready to hit the road running. I was full of energy, excitement, and wonder at what our new life would hold for us. Then, suddenly, that energy was gone and I felt like I had been hit by a bus... twice. My body felt like I had just run a marathon (which I had not), my mind felt like Jell-O, and my emotions struggled to do more than stare off into space. This is a little thing we like to call The Crash. (I'm quite familiar with The Crash, unfortunately, but am still in denial that it actually happens to me...) I was telling Corey about how I was feeling so exhausted and wasn't sure why... he just started laughing, looked at me like I was crazy, and said 'You think?!' I mean, I guess months of emotional exhaustion followed by a few weeks of feeling like I drank 25 cups of coffee a day, then physically moving all of our stuff across another state and unpacking amidst a whole new background... I guess I might feel a little tired...

There is also this strange feeling of being lost. It's not a panic-y lost feeling, but rather a slow, confused, wipe-the-clouds-from-your-eyes feeling. I know why we moved here. Corey has an unbelievable opportunity to study what he has dreamed of at an amazing school. I know what we are doing here and what he is doing here. But I've been struggling with what I am doing here... what does life look like for me while we are here? Questions about what I should do with my time, my life, my gifts, are all jumbled in my head like one huge run-on sentence that just keeps going, and going, and going...Ahhh!

So, what am I doing with all of the madness? Well, I'm doing my best to rest and receive and simply have an open posture to whatever comes my way for the day. I'm terrible at resting, slowing down. I hate the feeling of not having accomplished anything. And this is how I have lived my life for 30 years. Go-go-going. Do-do-doing. And I gotta tell you, I'm exhausted. It's amazing how much guilt I feel after taking a month off and not yet being able to answer the ever-present question every new person asks "So, Juli, what do you do?"... The pressure hits me full force. I don't actually believe it's the question itself that holds so much burden, but rather what I attach to the meaning of the answer. So, I'm trying to step out of the way, breathe, and know that I am ok to answer it with words like rest, quiet, sabbath. I am repenting of who I have been. Repenting of putting my value in the things I do.

I'm not sure how long Phase 3 will last. A new friend advised that I "hold off from joining/ volunteering for anything for at least 3-4 months. This would give me both a chance to rest, transition from the move, get settled with my surroundings, allow me to build relationships, and not get too involved too quick and/or over committed to things that I should not be doing to begin with." I found such freedom in the permission she offered me to fully rest.

Even as I type some tears are starting to form. Ahh, yes. Life is present. God is moving while I am still.

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ~Mother Teresa

DEAR BEN ~

2008-09-01T23:01:00.010-04:00

If you haven't heard yet, rumor has it that Ben Folds lives in our neighborhood. Yep, that's right. We're practically neighbors with Ben and we hope to become good pals. However, I haven't met him... yet... Just in case he reads up on my blog I thought I'd post a little welcome note.

Dear Mr. Ben Folds,

We just moved to the neighborhood and found out that you live here too! Well, at least that's what Google told us... We are pretty excited to be neighbors with you. Not because you're famous (although, admittedly, that's how we know who you are) but because we think you're cool and we think you'd like us too. We might fall a little lower on the cool scale then some of the other cool people you probably hang with, but that's ok, we're cool with that. We'd still love to hang out with you. We know you probably run a tight ship with all the touring, writing music, and being famous but if you ever have time, feel free to stop by our place (2513 W Linden). We'd love to offer you a hot or cold beverage or your choice, maybe some Rice Krispie treats or even the classic trail mix (which I have been addicted to lately). We could just hang out and chat about normal things or we could play Frisbee, Settlers of Catan, or maybe even ride bikes - we both just got new ones and are excited to take them for a spin to the Pancake Pantry with you. If you have any pets we're happy to watch them for you while you are on tour, it's no problem, and we're happy to water your plants too. Anyway, if you ever need anything (milk, eggs, back-up singers) just let us know!

Sincerely,
Juli and Corey Kalbaugh

For those of you who are interested. Here is a map of our house and the stars that live (or supposedly live) in our neighborhood. Our house is the blue dot farthest to the right. You should be able to click on each of the 'pins' to see who lives there.

Noteworthy:
-Ben Folds
-Gillian Welch
-Tom Wopat - Luke Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard (ok, well it looks like the info was incorrect and he doesn't live here anymore... but if he did, this is where it would be)

View Larger Map

HERE AND THERE ~

2008-08-18T13:35:00.022-04:00

We made it to Nashville. One week down. So far, so good. Our place is looking great. We love our neighborhood and I've already found my favorite new radio station. I am, however, feeling a bit on the verge of a total breakdown. I think I'm trying to keep myself busy unpacking boxes in order to ignore the overwhelming feelings of change. I'll keep you posted.

Before we left I asked almost everyone else that was moving away what they would miss about Clemson. Here is my list.

GOING TO MISS:

the people who have changed my life
smalltown life (kind of, but not too much)
dcf
weekly cry-sessions at Starbucks
CJA M
Tuesday evenings with my house church family and their courageous hearts
Clemson basketball
Sunday lunches at one of my Top 5
oddly enough I am going to miss the obnoxious trains that ran right by our apartment... funny how some things just become a part of life

NOT GOING TO MISS:

sweltering, unbearable, can't-leave-the-house-it's-so-damn-hot summers
nearest Target = 20 minute drive
the dog kennel right behind our apartment (bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark... argh!)
terrible radio. Can I please hear more than the same 10 songs!
croakies, palmetto belts, and neon colored polo shirts

LOOKING FORWARD TO:

city life and all of its charms
being back in the Central Time Zone
exploring a new city on a bike
the independent movie theater within walking distance
new and good radio
inspiring fashions
more than 5 choices when going out to eat
meeting celebrities (because of course we will...)
Anthropologie 2 miles away!
a new running route in a great neighborhood
the local art scene
amazing live music
new people, new stories, new faces of God (which will, of course, never replace the old, but will simply and wonderfully enhance all the relationships I've ever had)

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:

more people = longer lines
rush hour traffic
being farther away from an IKEA than we were in Clemson - come on IKEA, this is NASHVILLE!
the long, hard work of building relationships

View Larger Map

TOP 5: CLEMSON EATS ~

2008-08-04T21:59:00.007-04:00

I get cravings. Like most people, I get that overpowering feeling that all of a sudden I HAVE to have a Diet Coke, Sprees, or Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. But, there is one craving that rules them all. It comes on a lot when I am sad, overwhelmed, or out-of-sorts and need a pick me up. It's... McDonald's. Yes, that's what I said. I know, I know... some of you are audibly gasping at the wretched thought. But it's true. Yes, I have seen Super Size Me and frankly, and probably unfortunately, it hasn't fazed me. And tonight, that's what I had to have. I'm all out of sorts with this whole moving thing. I'm sad, overwhelmed, disoriented, and suddenly feel very nervous. I feel like I'm back in 1st grade, scared to leave the house, worried that the kids won't like me, wondering if I will be any good at the myriad of assignments set out before me. So, what else is there to do but get 2 cheeseburgers, fries dipped in sweet-n-sour sauce and a Diet Coke to bring happiness back to my face (although I'm sure my arteries would disagree).

On that note I'd like to do a top 5.

TOP 5: FAVORITE PLACES TO EAT IN CLEMSON*

5. 356 ~ for avocado and cream cheese sushi

4. MONTERREY MEXICAN RESTAURANT ~ for cheese enchiladas and beans (chips and salsa is a given)

3. MELLOW MUSHROOM ~ for parmesan pretzels and the Kosmic Karma pizza

2. ANCHEAUX's ~ for the avocado sandwich and the tasty seasoned chips dipped in Ranch dressing (Ancheaux's gets bumped down a notch because they have the WORST napkins in the world. They are worthless and I have to use about 10 of them to eat my messy sandwich...)

1. POT BELLY DELI ~ sandwiches are pretty much my favorite thing to eat. Especially any sandwich with turkey, cheese, avocado, lettuce, mayo, and black olives. So, of course I would love a place with the best sandwich selection around!

*Disclaimer ~ The Top 5 may change order on any given day depending on the craving, the company, the weather, the day of the week, my mood, and of course the availability and quality of avocado.

THE BREITMEIERS ~

2008-08-03T20:00:00.008-04:00

Today Jana and John got married! Congratulations! They are now officially The Breitmeiers (even though we have been calling them that for quite some time). It was a great time celebrating them today. I love how they love each other. Previously, I had the honor of taking Jana's bridal portraits. She looked absolutely stunning... We ran all around Central and Clemson while I snapped a bazillion photos. It was so much fun to capture her radiant beauty and spunky personality. Jana is gorgeous, fabulous, and has no idea how beautiful she is. Here are some of my favorites from our session. Thanks for letting me be a part of your sweet celebration!

THE STORY OF US ~

2008-07-26T00:26:00.006-04:00

Last Sunday evening we had a going-away party for two families that have impacted this people and place in great ways – the Colliers and the Elmores. They are both moving to new places to do new things and start new seasons of life. We gathered around the Hayes’ living room and shared stories, recounting memories of life lived by this band of people in Clemson, South Carolina. There was laughter, tears, words of life, and love abounding as we retold tales, legends even, of the past we have experienced as a family. It was good to remember together.

After the gathering our friends Justin and Erin came over and we continued the sharing of lives. We talked about the future and some of our hopes. We talked about how we are currently doing amidst all the whirlwind of transition happening around us. And we talked about the past, where we have been and how far we have come. Corey and I got a chance to share a little of the story of our marriage. We try to live honestly without sugar-coating or hiding our story – it has been hard for us. We’ve been to the bottom and felt the deep brokenness and loneliness that can come in relationship. As we described our past with the realities of hurt I was also reminded of the healing that has come, and continues to come, in our marriage.

It had been a little while since Corey and I have told our story together. It was good for me to remember. To remember how Corey has fought for my heart, stood his ground firmly, and said ‘I will never leave you’. It was good for me to remember how desperate I am, how much I need him, community, and Jesus. It was good for me to remember the deep forgiveness I have been offered and the severe mercy given to me. I experienced those once again as we sat in our living room on a Sunday evening. Over a Firehouse sub, a bag of chips, and some beverages I felt the Spirit reminding me of the good God has done, of the hope Jesus brings and of the power in my own story which is a part of God's bigger narrative.

Each of our stories hold so much power and life. Why is it so scary to tell about who you are and where you have been when deep connection, authenticity and true relationship are what our hearts desperately call out for? For some of us, sharing our story is the most terrifying thing we can think of. Offering true self, risking rejection. But telling your story can be an act of healing and redemptive remembrance, even repentance. Hearing and receiving another’s story, sharing with the gift of tears, looking them in the eye and speaking truth, and letting them know that you still love them is a life changing experience.

We all need to tell our stories more often.

BETSY OL' GIRL ~

2008-07-23T08:22:00.010-04:00

She’s been with me for the past 9 years. She has offered me comfort, refuge, and has been a companion on the road of life. She’s been there for many freak outs, celebrations, ingenious new ideas, spontaneous car dances, and much introspective reflection. She has also cost me a ton in gas money. Her name is Betsy. She is my ’97 Jeep Wrangler.

Last week I had to make a last minute trip to Nashville to find a place for Corey and me to live. I hopped in Betsy, turned up the tunes, and headed across the mountains to a place we will all soon call home. Something about the trip felt nostalgic for me, like old times - just me and Betsy and the open road.

She has lived in the Midwest and the South, seen 25 states, both oceans, and 3 Great Lakes. She’s been broken into twice, towed once, traveled over 150,000 miles, gotten 3 warnings for speeding, no tickets, and had one accident. She’s plowed me through deep snow, helped me get a sunburn in sweltering heat, and has had one too many thunderstorms pour down on her without her soft top on (sorry about that…).

She is already a Tennessean waiting our arrival - I left her in Nashville with our friends the Cavins to await our arrival. But Betsy is getting older. She's having more trouble with long trips and inclines. (In fact, she maxes out at about 57mph on any incline and has a max freeway speed of about 68mph, on good days…) However, that doesn't stop the random truck drivers from honking every once in a while - she knows she's still got it! She’s a good one, that Betsy, and we love her.

Hang in there ol’ girl. We’re comin’ for you.

BECOMING ME ~

2008-07-21T21:03:00.005-04:00

Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself. ~Soren Kierkegaard

One Sunday morning at the beginning of this year we were asked to take some time to be silent before the Lord and to listen. I felt excited to see what would come. That morning God offered me a picture. It was not the encouraging or lovely image I was hoping for, but rather an image of truth about the current state of my heart. I pictured Jesus bending down to touch a beautiful flower. But when He reached out for it thorns shot out like swords sending a message of ‘get-away’. As tears came, I knew that there was a long, hard road of soul-work to be done. Jesus wants to touch me. My heart was not open to receive.

I soon began to discover the bitterroot that had dug itself deep into my heart and was working to squeeze every last ounce of life from me. It seemed that around every corner the opportunity awaited for it to sink its claws in deeper and grab on tighter. My time in Clemson has been so hard, and so good. I have wrestled with who I am and who God is. I have encountered the question – Did God make me wonderful? The bitterness tells me no – you don’t have what she has. But that is not what Jesus says. In so many ways (more than I will take the time to explain here) God has used the metaphor of the flower to awaken me to new being. To speak to me about who I truly am. Flowers are an image of new life, redemption, and beauty. Reminders of God’s true story.

For the past seven years I have felt like a seed placed deep in the ground - wrestling, struggling, desperately trying to claw my way to the surface in order to breathe life. In this dark place I have wondered who I am. What is most true? What do I have to offer? Will I ever be ok with who God has made me to be? Soon (2 weeks soon) it will be time for Corey and me to uproot our lives from this place we have called home. This place where I have fought for my life. This season has passed and we will come upon a new season. With this comes fresh dirt, new breath and will require the bold risk of stepping out into the garden of the unknown. It asks me to open up and offer myself to another people and place that are unfamiliar with me and my story. Terrifying. But I hear Jesus inviting me. Bidding me to step forth and blossom.

Arise, my darling,
My beautiful one,
And come with me.
See! The winter is past;
The rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
The season of singing has come.
~Song of Songs 2:11-12

A few weeks ago I got a new tattoo in celebration of life, friendship, hope, and redemption. Together with two of my favorite people I engraved an image of Truth as a symbol of God’s work in my life. (See Miska’s tattoo. See Winn’s tattoo. They have their own powerful stories and images. And sadly, due to circumstances beyond our control, Corey was not able to make the trip with us as planned.)

The flower on my back is a reminder of what God has done, is doing, and will continue to do in my heart. It is beautiful, artistic, and full of life. It is a reminder of who I am. The Lord calls me Beautiful One, Redeemed. The three dots are a symbol of the triune God always present with me and surrounding me. The creative lines drawn around the flower are a reminder of the artist God is crafting me into. It is a symbol of life, redemption, and beauty. A reminder of my true Name.

On our way back from Atlanta these lyrics played over and over on the radio.

Hold your own.
Know your name.
Go your own way.
~Jason Mraz

I am learning my name. I am becoming me.

MOTION ~

2008-07-01T15:00:00.014-04:00

:: motion ::

the dancer's eyes are fixed
as her world spins by in a twirl,
but I lost my spot on the wall
and the pirouette falls short.

my dance before you
no longer a masterpiece.
hopes of an ovation dashed
as the movement stops.

alone in the quiet
the music still plays
motionless.
stillness like death
has overcome my being.

wondering
wanting
waiting
for a response from you.

through the darkness
my ears start to feel
the beat
of my heart pounding
hoping...

then, softer than a whisper
I begin to hear

my name being called.

so quiet my soul questions
the reality.
but i desperately listen
to You
calling me forth
once again
to dance.

BEST TUESDAY EVER ~

2008-06-25T21:54:00.014-04:00

Normally, if I happen to have Tuesday off (which I have recently) it is filled with running errands, lots of cleaning, and finishing up endless projects I have started. But, this past Tuesday my friend Erin and I both had the day off. I decided it would be a good idea to get my few weeks of vacation off to an early start. Plus, poor Tuesday... nobody really pays much attention to it. It comes right after the dreaded Monday and, really, who ever says "Hooray! It's Tuesday!"?? I decided it was high time someone gave sorry-old Tuesday something to cheer about. Erin was totally game. (One of the many things I love about her!

So we:

~laid out in the sun by the pool
~ate a scrumptious lunch at Ancheaux's
~watched Breakfast at Tiffany's
~ate candy
~snoozed a bit during the move (or at least I did...)

Does it get any better than that? It was probably the Best Tuesday Ever!

Hooray for Tuesday!

CAROLINA ON MY MIND ~

2008-06-19T10:16:00.003-04:00

I've got to be honest, South Carolina wasn't even on my radar of places I ever wanted to move to. California, Colorado, New York - now those were places I dreamt about making a life. But South Carolina... I knew nothing about it, heard nothing about it, and pretty much didn't know it existed outside of learning all the states and capitals in Mr. Johnson's 8th grade class. But in 2001 I felt like I wanted a new adventure. I wanted to strike out on my own and see what life was outside of what I had always known. And the South is definitely a different place than northern Minnesota. South Carolina softly called my name and beckoned me to come and see what she had in store. Suddenly, a place that once never existed became the time and space that surrounded me.

Now that I am on my way to the next adventure, I've been thinking about her a lot... her Southern charm, her sweltering heat, her strange and slow vocabulary drawl, and her beauty that captivates you from the Appalachian foothills to the Atlantic coast. Sweet Carolina.

Here are my TOP 5 Favorite Things About South Carolina herself:

#5 - Her tall trees that tower over you reaching for the heavens. (the trees really do seem bigger here than in MN...)

#4 - Her ocean shore that reminds you how vast the world really is and how it calls you to rest and play with the sun and sand.

#3 - Her exquisite wildflowers that sing to you in quiet places.

#2 - Her sunsets painted in hues of violet and gold that leave you breathless.

#1 - Her mountains that peak over the horizons holding secrets of waterfalls, hidden sanctuaries, and a world where time is a distant thought.

BREATHING OUT ~

2008-06-11T17:46:00.004-04:00

The bomb has been dropped. The word is out. The birds are flying the coop. Corey gave his boss notice last week and it's official - the Kalbaugh Train is moving out. Destination: Nashville, Tennessee.

In a tornado-like whirlwind, we were suddenly catapulted into a process that has led us see the next step in our adventure. I feel like ever since this strange process began I have been holding my breath. Waiting, praying, wondering, wrestling, hoping, mourning... I've been doing my best to process through it all and connect with what I am feeling. But, it's hard to know what to do with all the internal craziness that often feels like a bad carnival ride. I process things internally (I'm an 'I' on the Myers-Briggs). However, sometimes things inside have a hard time finding their way out and I get all bottled up inside. Now that word is officially out I feel like I have finally let a breath out with a long exhausted sigh. But, along with that release has come a bunch of junk that has been hiding out like moldy left-overs forgotten about in the back of your refrigerator... gross.

Deep questions are arising from within that now have me feeling like I am desperately gasping for air. Do I really trust that what God has for us is best? Why do I always want what I seemingly cannot have and can't ever seem to be happy with what I have been given? Have I left any sort of impact? Do I like who I have been? Does anyone really know who I am? Do I have anything beautiful to offer?... These are just a few of the wrestling matches in the heart-wrenching match of Faith vs. Me. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's hard.

A simple prayer has been all I can offer amidst my jumbled self ~ Jesus, breathe your mercy on me.

FAMILY. ~

2008-06-05T10:05:00.005-04:00

On Tuesday morning I got to spend a little bit of time with my good friend Seth. Even though Seth is only 4 1/2 years old sometimes I think he knows a lot more than the rest of us...

That morning we were doing one of my favorite activities - playing catch. We were inside (playing gently, of course...) Seth was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the big chair tossing the football back and forth. We did this for about 20-30 minutes and the whole time Seth was just chatting away about all sorts of stuff. We talked about sports, movies, things he likes to do, friends, and family. At one point Seth was telling me a story about his family. He paused mid-story and asked "Are you in my family?" I responded with a question, "What do you think?" He stopped for moment, looked away, and simply said, "Yes, you're in my family" with that great big Seth smile. We both just sat there for a second in silence, both of us drinking in the beautiful truth that was spoken...

I love his huge heart that just picks you up and wraps you in love.

4 YEARS! ~

2008-06-02T21:37:00.006-04:00

Last week Corey and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary! After 4 years Corey continues to amaze me with his selfless love and his relentless pursuit of my heart. This past year I have loved watching his passions come alive and his heart grow bigger as he felt deeper, offered himself through tears and words of life to those of us around him and as he wrestled through who God has made him to be. I love his courageous heart, his sensitive spirit, his passionate pursuit of life, the way he reminds me to take myself less seriously, how he encourages me to take risks, and how he shows me the true heart of Christ in the way he loves me. This past year I feel like we have laughed more, celebrated more, and loved more.

Here is our Year #4 in review:

2 week flip of Tillman Place 811, 4 trips to IKEA, 1 all-nighter, 13.1 miles in Grandma's Half Marathon, lots of Beezer's subs, 2 new management jobs, beach time in Charleston, paid off debt!, lake house party, 2.5 candy mountains, shopping in the ATL, Boom! Done.Clearly. 2 of us are 30, favorite music, Ani DiFranco in Ashville, "I need ya boo!", House Church moments, high cholesterol diet, 1 new blog, first art show, conversations on the brown couch, Ski Trip to Boone, Elliot Morris in person, need a Diet Coke!, Sunday nights with the Colliers, Clemson Basketball, Cliff Hammonds, ACC Tournament TV spot!, Feaster, Aiken Steeple Chase, DCF Film Fest 08, Chadwick the Orphan, wedding photography, Goodbye Lofts, hello 2 great neighbors, Allison moves in, Allison moves out, 2 less management jobs, LOST season 4, Miyagi goes to the vet, Mellow Mushroom fun, CK gets running shoes, 2nd Annual President's Race 5K, Cooper River Bridge 10K, Mile Time Trials, low cholesterol!, elaborate carpool scheme, 32 new AVEDA products in our bathroom. 4 different hair colors, 84 Tall Skim Caramel Lattes, 356 cups of black coffee, a bowl of Cheerios and jelly bread every day, God at work, headed to Vandy, 2 lovebirds, 1 adventure on the horizon...

Go Team Kalbaugh!

FOR THE RUN OF IT ~

2008-05-15T16:37:00.003-04:00

I love to run. I'm no Super Gleez but I run nonetheless. Recently, I've come to realize the power of redemptive healing that has come from running.

One of my vices is that I have this sick need to be the best. It doesn't really matter what it is - I want to be the best at it. In fact, if I think I may not have a chance at being the best I may choose to not even engage in the activity. I’m telling you, it’s gross. This mental illness does not offer freedom and rest but rather leaves me with an anxiety filled mind and jealous heart. Coming to grips with the false reality I have put myself under has revealed an exhausted soul. This is where running comes in. I'm not the best. I've never been a good runner or a fast runner (just ask Corey to tell you the story about me, my softball coach, me attempting to steal second base, and something about unhitching my caboose… he loves to tell it.) I’m not even good for a friendly chit-chat over a run (Evan will testify). The truth is I'm slow, awkward, and expend a lot of energy trying to get air. But, if you’ve never experienced the serene solitude of a solo run, the adrenaline rush of race day, the exhilaration of crossing a finish line (real or imaginary), or the agonizing joy of pushing your body to do things you never thought possible... I’m not sure I can describe the deep life it brings…

I love lacing up my shoes, putting on my headphones and pumping up the music as loud as it can go (which is never loud enough). I may Move Along with the All-American Rejects, Hey-Ya! with Outkast, or even contemplate the Faultline with Eliot Morris. The music may take me places I couldn’t get to on my own.

When I run I can just be. It is a chance for me to rest in motion, to take a break from all the unnecessary toiling I do on a daily basis. I can run as fast or slow, as long or short as I want. It’s up to me! I can run hard, take a break and walk, or push myself to go the one extra step I thought would kill me. And all of the options are good! I have come to be ok with having to stop and walk because, you know what – I don’t have anything to prove! This, people, is a serious revelation. I run simply for the run of it.

When I run I have a firm sense of who I am. I feel a deep connection with the Spirit who gives me my true Name. It is also a release for me… and from me. I have a slight tendency to bottle things up inside and and running is an opportunity to open up the valve and let things flow. I may yell and scream at people in my mind, dream of what the future holds, wrestle with God, connect with deep longings, or even compose quirky music videos in my head. I just let my mind go where it will. And then, then there are the holy moments… I’m not sure if they come from the physical exertion, the mental liberation, or the deep soul connection (probably a combo of all three), but there are times when I become so overwhelmed with what I am feeling that tears start running down my face. These are sacred moments.

When I run I am aware I am alive. Physically, I can feel my body moving, working, hurting. I can feel that I am real with every desperate breath and purposeful step. There are days, however, where I want to turn my body in for a new one, but then other days I feel like I could run forever. It’s the way of the run. I’m learning to welcome it. I savor the times where I get into the zone. Where my muscles are pumping, my arms are swinging, and my breathing is in rhythm (breathe, one, two, three, breathe, one….) and it seems almost effortless… a miraculous gift. And one of my favorite things ever is when I just finish a run. For one tiny moment in time, when my body has stopped moving and my lungs take a deep breath, it feels as if everything is right in the world... it's there for a brief second and then gone. But it is enough to keep me coming back for more.

In all of these things I hear a healing truth. When I am out running and there is nothing between me and myself… I am ok. I don’t have to work hard at being something or someone or the best. I am who I am. So, when you see me out running with a grimace on my face and I look like I am struggling to move – what you are seeing is probably accurate. But you can know that there is more to the story than just flailing limbs…

"On the roads, I can see truth revealed whole without thought or reason. There I experience the sudden understanding that comes unasked, unbidden. I simply rest, rest within myself, rest within the pure rhythm of my running. And I wait."
- George Sheehan, M.D.